About Dr. Pavlov

Health and Culture Editor

Take your Medicine


There have been numerous articles declaring that prescription drug abuse is now our nation’s number one enemy in our war on drugs.  In particular, the salacious reports of numerous traffic fatalities committed by drivers under the influence of prescription drugs make fascinating reading. Are these articles just another facet of our news crazed society? Will there be another cable show focusing on this problem similar to the Weather Channel? The Neutronic News Network, “The Facts Before They Happen “, turns to our chief medical and financial editor, Dr Oral Pavlov, Director of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane for his incisive and astute commentary.

Dr. Pavlov;
There has been much misunderstanding of this subject and it is my pleasure to clarify, indemnify, rectify and sanctify for our readers the proper procedure on the uses of medicine and how it relates to proper mental hygiene. It is these irresponsible headlines  created by liberal fascists and their socialist goon squads that we see today concerning the fallacy of prescription drug abuse and in particular, driving after taking medicine that prevent people from benefiting from the marvels of the pharmaceutical miracles that await all citizens and are guaranteed by the constitution of this great country.

I have observed in my forty years as director of this fine institution that 98% of the criminally insane failed to take their medicine as directed by their mothers. This led to a pattern of improper mental hygiene as evidenced by their failure to integrate into a consumer society. Indeed, this is the template, the hallmark leading to their insanity. They did not take their medicine!  I assure you that at this institution they take their  medicine and do so willingly and with great anticipation. When the bell rings at 1 am, 5 am, 9 am, noon, 3 pm, 6 pm and beddy- bye time at 9 pm they are lined up like cows waiting to be milked. If only all citizens would be this aware of the importance of a proper drug regimen and its amazing effects on their life we would not have the gang of liberal sniveling no-nothing complainers that now stand on the internet soapbox  slandering the good names of our dedicated doctors and drug companies who have dedicated their lives to our nation’s  proper mental hygiene.

Astra-Zeneca,  the company that cares, for one example,  has spent millions of dollars educating the public on the health benefits of their fine products by presenting compelling television spots that conclusively show the marvels of modern medicine. One can see with their own eyes the happiness and abundance of the people who appear on the small screen for our benefit. This money could have been spent on Rolex watches, comfort women  and Armani suits or other rewards for their labors but their dedication propels them to serve an ungrateful and, yes, unappreciative populace. Instead of praise, our medical heroes face false accusations that a few people, who did not take their medicine properly, have sprouted strange growths on their bodies. Did it ever occur to these critics that the side-effects of medicine existed BEFORE they took it and would be much worse if they did not take their medicine?

All medicine is properly tested before approval by the FDA, AMA, by a gaggle of chimps, rats, and mice and by human volunteers to insure safety and efficacy. At this very institute over 980 compounds are tested on our residents  every day.  I can assure you that the criminally insane are doing their part for our nation’s health. Why would a drug company want you to take something if it wasn’t good for you? That would not make sense. In regards to people, especially our youth, who take medicine from their parents or friends, lets stop and think for a change. The fact that they take these drugs has nothing to do with their effects. Drugs do not make people high. People make themselves high. And what is that a sign of? Not abuse but a cry for help; “I need drugs, please give them to me.” Common sense would tell us if these people would be given the drugs they would not steal them. Its obvious they need them.

The few case where people who were on medication and were involved in traffic accidents they violated traffic laws or were not paying attention to their driving or doing something more important. Why would taking your medicine have anything to do with how fast a car can go or where the steering mechanism takes it? An automobile is a mechanical device and is not affected by medicine. Let’s use some common sense. In over forty years at this prestigious institution there has not been one traffic accident. As far as Dr  B, who was involved in a traffic accident in Wisconsin where two people were killed is concerned, he was  on his cell phone talking to me when this accident occurred. Despite the fact that he was feeling ill and had to take Ambien, Oxycontin,  Valium, Leritine and Vaccicontin among other necessary medicines, he still, in spite of his infirmaries, was going to give a symposium on proper mental hygiene and how it relates to self-oscillation for our female residents and was merely distracted due its importance. What did he get for devoting his time, free of charge, for an ungrateful society? 30 years in prison.

So much for justice.

Just try telling that to our female residents who were looking forward to seeing him again! They were very fond of each other.  My fellow Americans, as I take my leave I advise you to take your medicine, listen to the experts who go to great length to educate you that you are sick and sometimes sick people do not know they are sick especially when 98% of this country’s citizens need to be sedated, de-gassed, laxativated, sublimated, automated, calmed, stimulated, de-saturated, tranquillized, de-magnetized, dogmatized, fungusticized, vilified, mesmerized, eroticized and erecticized. The other 2% need to be either lobotomized, or euthanized.  When that announcement plays on your television pay attention! This is a sick society and only medicine will cure us.

Yours in proper mental hygiene, I remains, Dr Oral Pavlov, The Director

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But that’s still not all. If you act now we will include a FREE RECTAL THERMOMETER! Not just any rectal thermometer but one designed by Dr Pavlov for his residents at the institute. Imagine shoving the same thermometer  up your ass just like the ones the criminally insane use! Illustrated instructions in 12 languages and genuine simulated leather case included. Quartz movement. But you must act now! Supplies are limited so call now. Before someone gets hurt.


Today’s topic is “persistent genital arousal disorder” . This question concerning a little known but not  uncommon disease was asked by Renee Schidt  of Waterloo, Iowa who asked that her name not be used.

“ I feel like I am having orgasms all the time,” she stated . “No matter how many orgasms you have had it would be debilitating to have them almost continually, at work, at home, even at church”. Renee is not alone  according to  medical experts who estimate sufferers number in the thousands.

There has been false information in the popular press and web sites appealing to some people’s prurient interests so we will turn to our crack medical correspondent, Dr Oral Pavlov who is the Director for the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane for an accurate and honest view on this vital topic.

Dr Pavlov:

First, we must consider this a legitimate medical condition that deserves our attention and compassion as healers and dedicate our lives to finding a cure. Before I address the pervert in question, let me give you some background information on the research that I have done with female recipients in over forty years as director at this prestigious institute. Actually, my interest in this condition began in my senior year in high school when my  father, who was a prominent physician and whose book “The Ant And Its Implication In Appendicitis”  formed the basis for sociobiology  and my mother, who was a former researcher (and suspected paramour)  of  Dr  Richard von Kraft -Ebbing, the noted author of “Psychopathia Sexualis”  hosted a dinner party for the  good doctor that included his niece, Geli Raubal, who was visiting from Germany. The lively conversation was interrupted by the strange behavior of Geli who would in precisely fifteen minute intervals gaze into space and in a high pitched moan  cry out, “faster pussycat” and begin to intensely vibrate causing the Bavarian crystal (the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern pattern) on the table to ring a tune suspiciously resembling the Horst Wesel Song.  Dr von Kraft-Ebbing would ignore this amazing occurrence and continue his discussion on the mating habits of artic mice and how they relate to the courting rituals of the natives. Not wanting to embarrass their guests, my parents would also ignore Geli  and attempt to include her in the conversation with a passable German. I was captivated by Geli and her ’spells’ only added to the allure of this admittedly hormone infused young man.

After dinner  we took a walk in my parents’ garden which was alive with bees and  flowers whose pollen mixed with Geli’s perfume and pheromones creating a euphoric cloud of golden raindrops enveloping us in a cataclysmic rhapsody punctuated  with the toots of a Hungarian Cuckoo bird. It was at this moment, this sacred revelation of my destiny, that I choose to devote my life to discovering a cure for  this evil curse that had incubated in this gloriously beautiful maiden.  I also was wondering why my member mystically transformed into a state of tumescence but that’s a topic for another column.  These memories have not faded and were a driving force in my discovery for this condition.  After years of intense experimentation utilizing the willing services of female volunteers who had this abominable curse  (over 98% of females who are criminally insane exhibit this condition although it is not apparent until revealed by years of treatments which are personally supervised by me with the assistance of  a select few residents) I was finally able to put my finger on the problem.

As in many great scientific discoveries I experienced a “Eureka ! moment ” while mixing some vesicant salve with a Wharing blender (white in colour) when the aroma of hyacinths permeated the room and a bee landed on the Wharing blender’s speed control.  I had just finished reading a paper,  Nerve endings in the pudenda and their harmonic oscillations in a closed circuit Modafanil medium  written by a  colleague, Dr Hannah  Kopfkraken of the Argentine State Security Institute,  when my theory ,  Brain Colour Changes Vibrations Causation coalesced into what is the foundation of neuroscience . I will not delve into what is now accepted medical science concerning  this subject  or how the colour of a woman’s undergarments play a prominent role in this condition  but suffice to say  anyone would believe it if they  had the intelligence to understand it.

I will now address Renee in a personal plea to assist her recovery and get her off the streets.

Dear Renee: I received your plea for help and now I am here at your side to guide you thru your hopeless journey thru hell.  First, lets address your thoughts of suicide. I understand why you have this feeling of wanting to end it all; it’s a practical solution to any problem. Having all those people stare at you as you reach an orgasm suitable for a crack -head in a monkey cage  would make even an insane person feel self -conscious. And don’t think people don’t notice! Maybe you realize that people have this series of reactions:  First, they are horrified and fear for their children’s safety. That’s why, Renee, the police are watching you; second, is acceptance. They realize that evil exists in unspeakable places and the area between your legs is the center of unimaginable filth. Of course you feel dirty. You should. That’s normal. Then comes coping measures. Gossip leads the way. Your neighbor and relatives know. So do your co-workers who, I am sure, have secretly video-taped   your bouts of  frenzied  self-gratification. In fact,  that may be you on U Tube. Then there is humor. People use this to relieve the unbearable tension that your presence creates. Personally I have collected over 98 jokes about your condition and they are the hit of any cocktail party. No wonder things seem so hopeless for you and why you feel lower than any trailer trash lowlife and worse than any deranged dope fiend. This is understandable.

The good news, Renee, is that you are not alone. Over 98% of people with your condition blow their brains out so you have plenty of company and I hope that is a comfort to you. You may find this interesting: The other 2% gain meaningful employment as  side-show freaks in various traveling circuses. You are expected to perform  but that doesn’t seem to be a problem. Something to consider, Renee, especially in these times of high unemployment. It should be a relief to know that meaningful employment is an option when the chances of being shit-canned from your loser job are  inevitable. I bet you feel better already!

I have made arrangements for you to be a guest at the institute where you will find comfort and solace among your new friends.  I assure you they will be quite interested and soon you will feel a part of the family who understands these matters. Perhaps you would be interested in performing for the institute’s annual musical that we all look forward in celebrating. Its the hope of every criminally insane person to appear on American Idol and their dreams are realized once every year. I am sure you would not have a problem filling the role of “Madame Butterfly”. Well, Renee, I hope you feel better knowing someone finally cares about you.  I know the Institute will be a life-changing experience for you and I await your arrival.

Yours in proper mental hygiene,

I remains,

Dr Oral Pavlov, Director

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Dr Pavlov has made available these fine holistic vaccines to our readers.  Developed at the Institute (no animal testing) these fine quality vaccines  are offered exclusively by NNN. You now can protect your loved ones from 16 incurable  and not as yet discovered diseases. Each 100cc ampoule is sufficient to treat a family of 4.5  If you order now we will include an eyedropper,  baby pacifier and a bottle of Clorox bleach (Mountain Mist ) at no charge.  Send $19.95 to NNN for each vaccine and begin to enjoy this medical miracle. Order your supply of VACCICONTIN  NOW !  Before someone gets hurt. This amazing offer will not be repeated UNTIL THE NEXT TIME.

NNN press release by dr oral pavlov, NNN science correspondent and director of the betty ford institute for the criminally insane.

Re: http://crave.cnet.co.uk/gadgets/man-arrested-at-large-hadron-collider-claims-hes-from-the-future-49305387/

Yes, i know this man and he is who he says he is. the press which is on the payroll of Cern has distorted this story. the person described as a lunatic, Mr Cole, is actually  the former president and founder of Cern.  The blender he was carrying was the actual prototype of the  hadron collider which is actually one big Waring blender. the whole cern collider is one big charade and just another excuse for the religion of science to promote itself. the dogma of science is not all too difficult to understand when its transparent veil is rendered.  The missing higgs boson was found in a Chicago hotel room amidst the debris in a garbage bin where an alert cleaning lady whose hobby was quantum mechanics was examining various remnants of modern culture recognized it and placed it on her mantle as a conversation piece. It remained there for ten years until a filter queen vacuum salesman, an unemployed astro-physicist, obtained the boson by trading it for the vacuum’s attachments and a bag of body ash that the cleaning lady for some strange reason became enamored. The new owner, Arnold Higgs  of Mandan, ND,  (not to be confused with Peter Higgs, the scientist)  named the boson after his dog, Dolly. The dolly moniker was subsequently dropped – and the new owner  placed it in his medicine cabinet and it was in this cabinet that the future president of cern and the principal player of this article stole it while searching for medicine to soothe his phantom bunions which he attributed to radiation poisoning caused by a Gilbert chemistry set which he received on his tenth birthday along with an anatomically correct female doll. Disaster occurred when Mr Cole accidentally consumed the boson by mistaking it for an aspirin tablet during a power outage. Racked with guilt, Mr Cole dedicated his life’s work to creating another  boson. Fate stepped in once again when Mr Waring and Mr Cole met in a doughnut shop and amidst a conversation on the similarity of black and doughnut holes a lifelong partnership formed. A third party,  Everett Kulp, a Cleveland dental floss salesman and devotee of the string theory, joined the two until he was electrocuted in an experiment with a craftsman drill and an anatomically correct female doll named, coincidentally, Dolly.

Peter Higgs was one of three particle physicists whose papers were later discovered to contain theoretical evidence of a particle that would BLEND  quantum mechanics and general relatively into one provable “fact”. Peter Higgs was not only a brilliant scientist but a liar and a cheat who won the boson in a rigged dice game in the Chicago hotel room where the boson was mistakenly discarded with a condom wrapper into the trash. Peter Higgs concocted the whole theory that was to prove something can exist. the real fact is that it, the boson, already did. It was Mr Cole who devised a workable blender to create a second boson and succeeded. Incidentally, you can contact Mr. Waring, the inventor of the Waring blender at our institute. He will be glad to assist you with your blending needs. as for Peter Higgs, tell that bastard we want our ashtray back.  I am glad to clear this up for our readers.  Dr. Oral Pavlov, Director



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My fellow Amerikans;

The Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane needs your help!  One of our resident programs that prepares deserving men and woman for a second (or third or fourth) chance to become a productive member of society needs financial help!  The institute needs cadavers, dolls, framed pictures of Mily Ccyrus  and other supplies to continue their goal to return our residents to society.  As you gather around the Christmas tree and enjoy your Holiday feast, won’t you think of us? Please give and give generously and you may find that your doctor or dentist is one of our graduates. Thank you and best wishes this Holiday season!

Pictured is one of our High Honors students, Fred P,  practicing the art of cranial injection, Won’t you please help him realize his dreams of becoming a neural surgeon or pumpkin farmer?


Dr Oral Pavlov, Director

P.S.  It is a fact that 98% of the criminally insane did not donate to charity