NNN report from health correspondent Dr Mercurial Benway

A new survey has found that 37% of Amerikans now suffer from autism. “not to be confused with onanism, autism is a much more serious disease resulting in the polarity of the brain’s hemispheres with the resultant fusing of the pre-tensile prepuce” stated Dr. E. R. Judah, president of the academy of medicinal lubricants and the author of the best selling text on anatomy, “the penis: its causes and cure”. the results of autism are staggering; 87% of fatal automobile accidents, 89% of school shootings, and 98% of impure and seditious thoughts can be attributed to this disease. “its no wonder our minds are out of control with weird stuff” observed Dr Judah. with his hairy fingers punctuating his conversation which became more strident as it reached its climax.. during a recent meeting of the academy held in Helsinki on December 12. he added ” its America’s dark secret. we must, as a nation, get this out of the closet and away from my aunt’s undergarments”. Dr Judah recommended discussing this topic at the family dinner table at burger king and at your place of worship at the channel of your choice or just talking to yourself with some provocative photos of Miley Cirrus, preferably late at night to prevent any interruptions. Dr Judah final remark, “we must conclude this meeting using our imagination to finish the job” was met with a thunderous applause and a few gasps by the 200 participants each of their hands grasping a wide array of objects from hand puppets to a baseball catcher’s mitt. They then exited to their respective hotel rooms with a look of grim determination.