DR PAVLOV RETURNS FROM HIS HISTORIC MOSCOW VISIT

Dr Oral Pavlov, the esteemed director of the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane Challenged, has returned from his triumphant visit to Moscow where he was the keynote speaker at the Conclave Of Russo-Pavologists held at the Lubyanka Institute For the Rehabilitation Of The Criminally Insane Challenged where he spoke before an audience attended by 1298 of the foremost experts on depression which is considered the world’s most pressing problem and impediment to peace. Following his address he received a standing ovation that lasted for over ten minutes and was feted at a dinner celebration where he was presented with the coveted “Hero Of The Russian Federation” medal, a signed portrait of Vladimir Putin,, suitable for framing, and another gold medal, “The Peoples’ Protector Of The Criminally Insane Challenged” which had previously been awarded to only one other recipient, LavrentI Beria. But the highlight of the festivities was yet to come. Dr Pavlov explains: “At the conclusion of this lavish dinner that featured a stunning performance by the Bolshoi Ballet and an invitation for a private visit with one of its stars later in the evening, plus the honor of being bestowed these treasured medals, I thought my heart was filled to its capacity of joy. Then the greatest moment of the entire event occurred. The director of the institute and my friend for over forty years, Dr Iosif Winovich, presented me with a most astonishing gift, the value of which is incalculable and was prominently enshrined at the Hermitage Museum. As I unwrapped this present I burst into tears as I saw I was now holding the same flask that had once belonged to Yuri Andropov who was the head of the KGB in 1964 and then became the General Secretary of the Communist Party in 1982 until his untimely death fifteen months later due to a then untreatable form of virulent depression. It was the death of this great man that the increasing danger of depression to world peace became apparent and the necessity to defeat it.Yurii Andropov was the first martyr in the war on depression and the debt we owe him can only repaid until we achieve total victory. As I held this sacred flask, constructed from the same titanium and beryllium alloy used in thermonuclear weapons and decorated with the official seal of the KGB, I was overcome with such a feeling of transcendence that I realized with the mutual cooperation of our dedicated pharmaceutical companies we will achieve victory in this conflict just as we defeated the Germans in the Great Patriotic War”.
Dr Pavlov assured us that he would not rest on these hallowed laurels and would continue his efforts to defeat depression that he now confidently realizes is just over the horizon.

RELATED NEWS DEVELOPMENT
According to very reliable sources at the NNN Moscow Bureau, the mysterious week-long absence of President Putin may be attributed to a secret meeting with Dr Pavlov. Although what was discussed has not been revealed, we assume that it was a strategy meeting on the war on depression or, as it is called in Russia, “The Great Patriotic War:The Sequel”, and the promotion of proper mental hygiene that are the major goals of President Putin to form a better and more prosperous Russian society. Stay tuned to NNN for the latest breaking news.

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DR PAVLOV’S ADRESS TO THE CONCLAVE OF RUSSO-PAVOLOGISTS

 To my fellow colleagues, the true champions of the war on depression and fearless promoters of proper mental hygiene, and to my most esteemed friend and director of this prestigious institution for these past forty years, Dr Iosif Winovich, whose passion and love for the criminally insane challenged set the high standards of care that exist today, I thank you for this great honor and opportunity to share with you, dear comrades, my latest research. But first, kindly allow me to tell a story. It was 10 years ago that I received a letter from General Flash Patton, grandson of the famous general who fought with your brave soldiers to defeat the Germans, who I still  deeply mistrust, and  is now the commander of the USAF Ballistic Missile Launch Control Center located in Omaha, Nebraska. In this letter he made such a sincere plea for help that even today it brings a tear to my eye. The general stated that his depression was so severe that he was on the verge of committing some unspecified act of mayhem. He also stated he was taking medication but it did not seem to be effective and also made him feel strange and disconnected from reality especially at work with all the blinking lights and extraneous rays.In addition, he reported a peculiar fascination with tall women whose figures can be described as thin and non-curvaceous with heads that seem to taper at the top. Comrades, I know how important our brave and courageous soldiers are to the security of our respective nations,so I was compelled to use my forty years of expertise to solve his and the 2% of subjects that fail to respond to a number of compounds.  After my intense study and the eager cooperation of our resident volunteers this is what I have discovered: In rare cases where an antidepressant is found ineffective, I have developed a new protocol to solve this problem. The Pavlonian Subtractive Method, which was first presented  before more than 1198 family physicians attending the AstraZeneca symposium at their central research center located on the French Riviera, is predicted to be used by every doctor who treats their patients with this dreaded disease.One of the advantages of my method is its simplicity enabling even the most poorly trained physicians (instructions available in 112 languages) in diagnosing and treating depression to use it in their daily regimen with the utmost degree of confidence.

The two gold standards of antidepressants are Seroquel produced by AstraZeneca and Repressa manufactured by the Stalingrad Pharmaceutical And Tank Works. Both are effective in 98% of  cases. In the remaining 2% of cases where relief is not attained there are four others on the market: Celexa, Lexapro, Cymbalta, Remeron, and Effexor. The treatment consists of taking  six doses consisting of Seroquel, Repressa  and the other four mentioned, (one of each pill) for two weeks and then subtract one of the medications for two weeks until the depression returns. You will then know that the last medication not taken will be the effective one. My treatment protocol negates the need for the trial and error method which is too time consuming especially for people who are ready to blow their brains out. Put another way; to discover which of the six is working, simply reduce the six pill intake every two weeks by one pill and if their symptoms return then you know the last pill you eliminated is the correct medication.

In conclusion, I envision a new world order under the benevolent jurisdiction of our two countries and with the dedicated guidance of the pharmaceutical industry, 98% of the world’s population who needlessly suffer from depression will have access, at a fair price, to the most effective antidepressants. This will insure a tranquil, crime-free world of peace and harmony. Again, I give you my most warm thanks and appreciation for addressing you, the world’s foremost authorities in this crucial matter, and for the fine hospitality shown to me by the staff and residents of the Lubyanka Institute For The Rehabilitation Of The Criminally Insane Challenged.

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US POSTAL SERVICE AND DR PAVLOV TEAM UP TO FIGHT HOLIDAY DEPRESSION

Scan-002For most people the holidays are a joyous time of love,the satisfaction of giving,seeing old friends and most of all, a family celebration that forms a lifetime of treasured memories. Sadly, for others it can be a time of great stress, anxiety and depression .Mr. Miguel Mucilago, the USPS Inspector General, is aware of this problem and has remarked, “The holiday season is stressful for our understaffed  employees as they deal with the tremendous volume of mail that must meet impossible deadlines. This results in some of our supervisors some who are certified psychopaths or other employees who are “fed-up” with the situation to reach a breaking point and blow their brains out or commit unspeakable acts of mayhem. I have enlisted the help of Dr Oral Pavlov, the nation’s leader in the war on depression, for his assistance.and guidance to help our employees deal with the holiday rush. For his tireless devotion on the war on depression  we have  honored Dr Oral Pavlov, with a commemorative stamp to offer hope, understanding and the knowledge that there are many antidepressants that can turn was once a season of dread into the joyous times that others share”. Dr Pavlov explains; “At the Institute during this joyous season depression will not be tolerated and our residents enjoy the various festivities culminating  in the lighting of the Christmas tree decorated with ornaments crafted from pharmaceutical containers, catheters and other discarded items.My favorite is when our chorus, “The Unseen Voices” does a beautiful pantomime of “Silent Night”. We cordially invite you to celebrate the season with us and for every stamp sold the USPS has agreed to generously donate five cents to our nation’s leading pharmaceutical concerns to find a cure for this Holiday disease.”. Wishing you a happy Holiday and a reduction in postal violence and death by gunshot. Dr Oral Pavlov, The Director

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IS A PEN PAL RIGHT FOR YOUR CHILD?

Making friends with people from different countries and cultures can open your child’s mind to a new sense of wonder and curiosity about the world  while stimulating their imagination and promoting proper mental hygiene. It also becomes a valuable asset in the world of business as they become more familiar with the different people that comprise our ever expanding global economy. For children who are shy, do not easily make friends and are somewhat withdrawn, a pen pal may be the key that unlocks their closed mind opening it to new ways of dealing with society and forming a bond with their pen pal that may result in a life changing experience. The Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane is proud to announce our “Pal From The Pen” program where your child can now find a new friend with one of our trained and qualified residents (some who were even former pen pals). They will share their life experiences and act as a guide and mentor. No longer will your child feel unwanted but proud to have a new friend who he can now share secrets and private thoughts that he would  never share with his friends or parents.

CLAYTON SCHOOL BOARD ANNOUNCES NEW GUN TRAINING PROGRAM

ScanFor the last 12 semesters the Clayton Public schools have offered gun training and safety classes for ages 5 to 12. The response has been overwhelming as 80% of 6 to 10 year old students know now to handle their weapons in a responsible manner. Due to popular demand from our parents and with the generous contribution of Taurus Arms, it it now possible for the students to graduate to a new program which will emphasize large caliber machine guns, and other heavy weapons. Even greater news is that the US Army surplus has donated 3 refurbished Abrams M1 heavy tanks that will be offered at no charge to high school students. Imagine the proud look of our parents when these tanks lead the next homecoming parade!  Principal Angus Rotwelier had these comments at a press conference this afternoon “This training program is more  than just shooting heavy weapons. Military style drills, uniforms designed by The GAP,the latest in night vision goggles, communication devices and techniques such as fire and movement will form new friendships as these young cadets work together to deter any threat to our citizens.. Most importantly our youth will be taught to follow orders. Obedience is our number one goal. Asked by a liberal reporter if this is a reaction to the thugs and lawbreakers from neighboring cities like Ferguson who have threatened to burn the town to the ground, school board president John Tate emphatically replied, “No”. When you clear the checkpoints and visit Clayton you will see many minorities working at the Wal Mart, McDonalds and many other places of employment. The only requirement is that they have no criminal record, and pass the weekly drug test which is all recorded on a special card they carry.in case they get lost while leaving he city after curfew. Diversity is highly valued in the city as witnessed by the three families from Mexico who have a thriving lawn cutting service.” Wishing you a Happy Holiday and that people stay where they are”

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