For the last 12 semesters the Clayton Public schools have offered gun training and safety classes for ages 5 to 12. The response has been overwhelming as 80% of 6 to 10 year old students know now to handle their weapons in a responsible manner. Due to popular demand from our parents and with the generous contribution of Taurus Arms, it it now possible for the students to graduate to a new program which will emphasize large caliber machine guns, and other heavy weapons. Even greater news is that the US Army surplus has donated 3 refurbished Abrams M1 heavy tanks that will be offered at no charge to high school students. Imagine the proud look of our parents when these tanks lead the next homecoming parade! Principal Angus Rotwelier had these comments at a press conference this afternoon “This training program is more than just shooting heavy weapons. Military style drills, uniforms designed by The GAP,the latest in night vision goggles, communication devices and techniques such as fire and movement will form new friendships as these young cadets work together to deter any threat to our citizens.. Most importantly our youth will be taught to follow orders. Obedience is our number one goal. Asked by a liberal reporter if this is a reaction to the thugs and lawbreakers from neighboring cities like Ferguson who have threatened to burn the town to the ground, school board president John Tate emphatically replied, “No”. When you clear the checkpoints and visit Clayton you will see many minorities working at the Wal Mart, McDonalds and many other places of employment. The only requirement is that they have no criminal record, and pass the weekly drug test which is all recorded on a special card they carry.in case they get lost while leaving he city after curfew. Diversity is highly valued in the city as witnessed by the three families from Mexico who have a thriving lawn cutting service.” Wishing you a Happy Holiday and that people stay where they are”
The editor of our health and fashion features, Dr Oral Pavlov, is the esteemed director of the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For the Criminally Insane and a leader in our nation’s sacred war on depression. A tireless promoter of proper mental hygiene, he is a Julliard trained phrenologist and the author of 24 books. He has recently written “Craniometry For Dummies” which is predicted to revolutionize the treatment of the criminally insane challenged. He is on the board of directors for AstraZeneca and is the spiritual adviser for the Guantanamo Penal Colony.
For the criminally insane challenged to integrate into our society, a sound, loving marriage is essential. As director of this prestigious Institution I have endeavored by intense study and spiritual reflection to obtain my ordination as a certified marriage counselor so I may unite our residents with the bonds of holy matrimony. I have also founded a new program that will not only provide a wedding chapel at the institute for our residents but also for visiting brides and grooms regardless of their race, color,creed or mental stability. A training program for our residents with the goal of becoming certified marriage counselors, officiates, celebrants, photographers and DJ’s will offer a complete package for an unforgettable union. Courses in floral arrangement will also be offered as well as a design bureau for wedding rings that will provide a unique and lasting memento for the newly weds. Space for the new wedding chapel, which we have named “The Invisible Wedding Bell Chapel”, will be located next to our pet crematorium that is handicapped and gurney accessible. Rooms will be available at the Institute for guests who will experience the utmost in hospitality from our friendly residents. A physician will give an exhaustive examination, courtesy of AstraZeneca, that will provide a valid prescription for suitable antidepressants insuring the couple a lifetime of happiness free of this dreaded disease.Their guests may also participate in this generous offering so essential for the practice of proper mental hygiene.You can imagine the excitement of being wed at our chapel and the happy couple will treasure these memories until death due them part. Off season discounts will be offered.
“It takes a village to raise a child but it takes a Nation to raise a population of morons”