Is Concealed Carry Right For Your Teen?

Thanks to our friends in the NRA all law abiding American citizens of any age now have the right to protect themselves with a concealed weapon. Thanks to this courageous and far-sighted law our teens will be able to protect themselves and defend others from deranged teachers, adults, their own school chums, aunts and uncles and in particular their grandparents who are prone to unexpected violence after many years of untreated depression. Never have our teens felt more protected from the increase in violent school confrontations. We have asked Dr Oral Pavlov, who is our Health and Fashion affairs editor and the esteemed director of the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane to comment on this life affirming event.
Dr Pavlov: I applaud the efforts of the Congressional Committee For More Guns in getting the NRA bill to pass in spite of the obstructionist and un-American politics of the liberal, socialist members of congress  who want to impose gun control and more fluoridation of our drinking water.
An important question is how this freedom for our teens to carry a lethal weapon impacts their proper practice of mental hygiene and their acceptance among their peers which is reflected in their hair style and clothing. Fashion conscious teens now have a need to not only set the style trends, but to wear clothing that is effective in concealing their weapons and yet be comfortable for every day wear such as sports and the all- important  hook-up scene. I am proud to announce that the Institute’s fabric research and design bureau will soon introduce Oral de la Pavlov Couture*to the market place this fall, just in time for the school year and a new round of school shootings. Now your teen can not only be smartly dressed but protected due to the miracle of Pavalon a blend of carbon fiber and nylon that is guaranteed to repel gunshot wounds or your money will be cheerfully refunded (minus shipping and handling).
I want to take this time and state that arming our children under the age of twelve is not recommended. Research at the Institute has found that their hands are too small to shoot accurately. However, we have partnered with Sig Sauer, Colt and other caring weapon manufactures to develop small weapons to solve this problem and the addition of  Disney characters such as Cinderella and Minne mouse will add a touch of fantasy that is conducive to the youngster’s practice of proper mental hygiene and sense of security.



Colonel Qaddafi’s mummified grandmother has been airlifted to the United States for treatment of burns she sustained in a brutal attack by criminal rebel insurgents
the elected president of this embattled democracy, Colonel Moammar Qaddafi declared today. The beloved leader, his face contorted in grief also stated, “Only the skill and care of Dr Pavlov and his dedicated team can restore my grandmother to her former splendor. On behalf of the free people of Libya I will do everything possible to save my courageous mummy.”
Dr Oral Pavlov reached at the Betty Ford Institute Of The Criminally Insane where the mummy arrived late this evening has pledged that all the skills of his resident students will be personally supervised by him  and will attain the goal of refurbishing the mummy to its past glory. “In all my forty years of treating and curing the criminally insane I have never witnessed a crime as heinous as the one vested upon this charming lady mummy” the angry director stated. He added, “To all you naysayer of liberal drivel I can assure you the Colonel, my friend of forty years, will be returning to his homeland to defeat these fascist stooges when the mummy is well and he has finished lecturing the inmates on the importance of obedience and discipline.”
The institute, famous for its pioneering work in facial surgery, will also give the mummy the countenance of Mily Cyrus.
Meanwhile, the citizens of Libya await the return of the mummy.




Across this once proud land, from sea to shining sea, the small American town was the epitome of peace and prosperity marked by a moral tranquility that was a blessing to its hardworking inhabitants. Now these idyllic settlements of law abiding  natives are besieged by forces alien to their life style and are threatening to cast their way of life into the forgotten halls of history. In the typical small town of Watertown, Iowa its citizens live in fear faced with the seemingly unsolvable problems of roving drug gangs, foreign influences of strange music imported from large urban areas, bizarre dress and an indecipherable lingo spoken by its youth.  Fatal drug overdoses and murder complete the picture of the demise of small town America. The mayor of Watertown, Mike Benzene who is serving his seventh term sums up the current situation, “This was a nice town but now it stinks like a rotten bratwurst. Our city was founded by the German and Irish but now just anybody thinks they can come here”. The words from the stocky butcher turned politician are filled with an undisguised vehemence. “We aint gonna  take this s__t sitten down” he added. Indeed, veiled threats and rumors of righteous retribution are now spoken openly at the city’s churches and taverns. “We will begin our crusade to rid the streets of these demented  debauchers of family values” according to Dr Doug Digiwictz , a prominent urologist and member of Healing Waters Baptist Church.

Friday night used to be a special time in Watertown as the stores would remain open until 9 PM and the city’s downtown would be flooded with excited shoppers. Young teens would stroll the streets casting coquettish glances at the drivers and passengers of the cars that ‘dragged main” while rumors of beer parties that seldom materialized were as numerous as the complaints  “It took me five minutes to drive thru town” spoken by the elderly drivers. The many farmers still wearing their bib overalls and trailing a faint scent of the cow barn would search for bargains and then retire to their favorite tavern for “a-shot-an-a-beer” and a friendly game of  “schofkopf” or sheep’s head, a popular card game.  Now a trip into town is not even considered by these hard working tillers of the soil and the streets are deserted long before the stores close.

Courageously the city is fighting back to restore peace and quiet with its own brand of justice. The Posse of the Righteous, a closed society of concerned citizens, has begun to sanitize the city of the malignant forces that has been a curse on this God fearing town. “We will flush these sinners into the sewers of Hades  and regain our Kingdom”  pontificated the Rev Karl Kantzkoemen, pastor of  the Faster Healing Waters Congregational Church and the reputed leader of the posse.  A tall, thin man of many words but only one opinion he is already seeing the fruits of his labors as the disappearance of numerous acolytes of the unclean will  attest. But is it to little too late?

On this Friday night at 9 PM in a one room apartment above the Kreuetzkraemer funeral home and hardware store a lonely figure cautiously approaches the window overlooking a now empty main street. Her cat, suspicious and wary stares at the woman as she parts the dingy grey curtain and with eyes of 82 years she  peers thru her spectacles and witnesses an act of depravity that the spinster teacher had only heard in  a whisper in her more adventuresome youth. Mesmerized by the scene taking place in the shadows she can only stare in horror. Finally she frees herself  from her frozen terror and as the cat hisses and retreats under the sofa she grasps the phone and with her trembling fingers dials 911. The line is dead.

It is now morning and the town is as tranquil as the many cemeteries that surround it. But for how long? When will the citizens awake and find their city gone, another casualty of this nation’s march into electronic obscurity.


To comment on this vital issue we have conducted an exclusive interview with Dr Herman Kahn, Jr.  the noted and respected author, lecturer and military and financial affairs consultant to the Neutronic News Network.

NNN: Dr Kahn, let me congratulate you on your appointment to the post of Spiritual Advisor for Sandia National Laboratory.  You must be quite busy with your philanthropic endeavors along with your board positions at Raytheon, British Petroleum, and many others. Which relationship do you most enjoy and how does it relate to our nation’s well being?
Dr Kahn: I would say my work with REDACTED is the most rewarding.  I have never met a group of gentlemen and one colored woman who have such passion fueled with an unshakeable faith in our freedom to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and amass 30% of our gross domestic  product.  They are an inspiration for every American. Our nation should feel secure that our entire financial system is in their hands.
NNN: A few disgruntled Americans feel that employment is our number one problem. Do you have any solutions?
Dr Kahn: Lets use an example. Say there is a family of five whose father is in his forties and was dismissed from his job of ten years working in the manufacturing sector. He blames his problem on his company moving to Bolivia. It’s a fact that 98% of the unemployed are drug addicts, drunks or harbor un-American feelings of despair. With a workforce like that, how can you blame companies that move to a different country where the natives are happy to work for peanuts ? When you consider the cost of moving and the expense of jet fuel for the executive commute, our corporations actually lose money. I would say to the that father of five, go back to school and get a degree and quit complaining. This is a land that immigrants built so if you don’t like it here, pack it up and go.

NNN;  Is our new health plan benefiting the average American?
Dr Kahn;  Health care costs the average family 20% of their income. Common sense would tell us if people were not as sick they would spend less. Obviously, they are that sick so why change a system that makes them well? I recently attended a symposium  in Bangkok sponsored by Astra-Zeneca which is a company known for their concern for the mentally ill. The keynote speaker, Dr Oral Pavlov, gave a remarkable lecture. With the aid of a three dimensional, multi-colored power point presentation he proved, conclusively I may add, that 98% of mental maladies have yet to be discovered.  Why reform a health care system that is protecting our loved ones from mental disorders waiting to be discovered? How are pharmaceutical companies able to rush these life changing medicines to the awaiting public without spending dollars on print and television advertising? Yes, there is some waste but this is due to government regulation. If we would eliminate government meddling such as redundant drug trials, malpractice lawsuits, patent expiration, and other nonsense we would have more research. The good news is that 98 new medicines for  as yet  un-defined disorders  will be available as soon as our physicians can be educated on their use.  This will also add many new jobs because brochures must be printed and educational DVDs must be produced along with the necessary pens, wall clocks, rectal thermometers, charts and other useful items to adorn your family physician’s office. Never has a country felt so good about being sick.

NNN A few people believe that our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are a waste of money and create more terrorists. Are these wars really necessary?
Dr Kahn: First, a correction. The war in Iraq is over and we won. The 50,000 Americans still there are advisors, not soldiers. They help the peace loving citizens of Iraq arrest insurgents, dissidents, protestors and other trouble makers who are against democracy.  98% of Iraq’s people, the ones that are alive anyway, are thankful for our involvement and look forward to the rebuilding of their homes sacrificed on the alter of freedom.  The peace mission in Afghanistan is more difficult for the average American to understand. Consider that this country has been at war since it existed. No wonder it has taken us longer than ten years to educate these people that our culture is superior and once  they agree with us I am sure they will have their own Fox News franchise entertaining them on their big screen televisions.

NNN: Dr Kahn, your father was the architect of the Single Integrated Operational Plan and wrote ‘Winning A Thermonuclear War’ among others. You have picked up the mantle of our nation’s defense.  Are we safer today than the days of the cold war?
Dr Kahn:  Yes but we are still threatened by some of our very own citizens who refuse to do what they are told. Our nation’s policy of Nuclear Incineration can be understood only by people who have years of military experience. The insights earned by our generals, admirals, and the heads of the defense industry  have created a plan to insure victory if war threatens our country. They also know how to deal with troublemakers. I would suggest that my fellow Americans put their faith in this policy and enjoy the endless servings of  culture, sports, and other offerings of entertainment that is the hallmark of this abundant nation and let the experts worry about the collapse of society or inadvertent  or misguided nuclear detonations.  I would also like to mention that “nuclear” is pronounced, “new-clear” and that writing or thinking about radiation or fission fragments does not damage a person’s genes or contaminate  their vital bodily fluids. However, I do feel strongly that images of naked bodies, particularly those of Mily Cyrus, causes an implosion of the brain’s hemispheres releasing thoughts that turn into poisonous insects.

NNN: The huge majority of our citizens have voted out the fascist liberals who have contaminated the halls of congress. What is your unbiased assessment of this remarkable display of democracy?
Dr Kahn: In the interest of fairness I must state that I am not a politician so I don’t know. However, I can assure my fellow Americans that it really doesn’t’ matter. Our country is in the safe hands of capable leaders who have a firm hold on the handles of power and won’t let our freedoms be corrupted.

NNN Dr Kahn, thank you for your insights and practical solutions for our concerns.
Dr Kahn; You are welcome and lets just remember to use a little common sense in solving these problems. Or, just ignore them and they will go away.

Now you and your family can enjoy their very own DOOMSDAY CLOCK!*

This fine precision instrument is more than a timepiece! You can now predict not only  how the world will end but also when.  Select from End-time prophecy, Mayan calendar, roving drug gangs, liberals, your favorite astrologer or stock broker, environmental catastrophe, asteroids, plagues, frogs, insects, floods, famine, earthquakes, electrical failure,  or the Weather Channel. Imagine the fun your family will have gathering around this great conversation piece.
Why not order one for every room.  The genuine quartz  movement is guaranteed for life and is shock resistant.
But you must order now. Before its too late. Operators are standing by.  Batteries not included.
*copyright Bulletin Of the Atomic Scientists”


The world joins our nation in gnashing of teeth, self mutilation, suicides and mutual flagellation in mourning one of mankind’s treasures, Dr Samuel Cohen the inventor of the neutron bomb. The beloved scientist and humanitarian passed away from a stomach cancer at the age of 84 while visiting his long time friend, Dr Oral Pavlov. We have asked our military affairs and fashion editor, Dr Herman Kahn, Jr for his insights on this beloved figure.

Dr Kahn;

The death of Dr Cohen has touched me deeply for he was a friend of my father and I have know him since childhood. He was a frequent house guest at our home in Los Alamos where he and my father  developed nuclear devices along with Eddie Teller and that commie Oppenheimer.

Dr Teller, Dr Kahn, and Dr Cohen formed a tight group and nicked- named each other, Eddie, Hermie and Sammie.  Sammie was the “chairman of the board” and they called themselves the “Radioactive Enhancement Package” or “Rat Pack” for short. I had the delight to witness their antics and horseplay first hand at my father’s dinner parties. In, fact, the idea of the neutron bomb came from one of these fun evening. My father had just finished a joke about the blast effects from a 450 megaton “super’ and as the laughter subsided there was a dull thud. We turned to look at the family’s pet, a parakeet named Sunny, who now lay on the bottom of the cage with her feet up, dead as a door knocker.  A silence overcame the group and it was Dr Cohen who broke the ice with his brilliant quip, “Looks like a little too much background emissions here, Hermie”.  After the hilarity cased Dr Cohen shouted, “that’s it! Why not a device that just kills living things and leaves the cages intact?”  It was this wonderful evening that fathered the idea of the neutron bomb.

My fondest memories, however, was Dr Cohen reading me a bedtime story. As a youngster i would have a tantrum when bedtime was announced but Dr Teller would soothe my nerves with a special kiddie cocktail while Dr Cohen would carry my suddenly exhausted body to bed where he would tell me a special bedtime story.He was quite creative and the story of the three bears and the spontaneous emissions would make a great children’s book,

Amerika will miss this great man but his legacy lives on with the dedicated scientists who have devoted their lives in designing even more powerful nuclear devices to defend freedom and democracy. I remains, Dr Herman Kahn, Jr.