Both are now dead

The meaning of this has not been determined


Mr Whipple, the cantankerous but lovable shill for Charmin bathroom tissue passed away Friday from a long and courageous battle with rectal cancer.  Whipple popularized the cry, “Don’t squeeze my Charmin” that rang out in every bathroom and bedroom in America.  The many accolades include a touching tribute from the National Board For Colonic Hydrotherapy headquartered in Whitewater, Oregon. The board’s director, a tearful Bogdan Kabul, announced that a 20 foot likeness of Mr Whipple  will be added to “The Fountains Of Colonic Bliss” a monument to honor the heroes of intestinal health.

In a prepared statement Mr Whipple’s oldest and dearest friend, Dr Oral Pavlov had this to say: “He was a pioneer of proper mental hygiene and he realized the importance of the mind- body connection of brain to anus and the necessity of keeping both of these areas clean has been forever imprinted on the minds of freedom-loving Americans.” A private funeral service will be held Tuesday. Memorials are suggested to the Congressional Lobby For Clean Colons.

Frank Baldino Passes

Amerika loses its most treasured pharmaceutical pioneer as Frank “The Snapper’ Baldino passed away at the age of 57. Flags are being flown at half-mast at the nation’s capital and pharmacies in this proud, freedom loving land in the Snapper’s honor.

Mr Baldino was the founder of Cephalon, a drug company that introduced Provigil to the open mouths of Amerika’s lethargic and constipated where its exorbitant price emptied the wallets of the rich and poor and gave new meaning to late night television.

A private funeral was held at the Philadelphia Coliseum where thousands of sample packs of Nuvigil, Cephalon’s worthy successor to Provigil showered  the 12,000 mourners as they grieved and danced to 46 acid rock and trance bands during the 48 hour funeral which was also attended by countless drug company dignitaries, politicians and lobbyists.

A heart rendering eulogy was delivered by Dr Oral Pavlov, the director of the Betty Ford Institute For the Criminally Insane. Dr Pavlov declared Mr Baldino’s devotion to the criminally insane with these heartfelt words, “He was well loved at the institute and made many friends among the test subjects who eagerly awaited the Snapper’s newest compounds”

The funeral climaxed with an honor guard of 2,000 Cephalon drug salesman leading a solemn procession caring a 100 foot banner of Mr Baldino’s newest creation, Actiq, a fruit flavored sucker (no artificial flavors) embedded with 1800 mcg of fentanyl.

Cephalon closed up .46 to 68.00 on the NASDAQ