NNN PRESENTS PRACTICING PROPER MENTAL HYGIENE Today’s question concerns cosmetic surgery. Is this type of surgery necessary? Is it a symptom of our youth and beauty obsessed culture or is it a necessity to fulfill God’s command to go forth and multiply?
Our reader, Fiorinala Nymphetti of 2989 Mountain Lane, Venice, Kansas, writes:
Dear NNN; I am a 19 year old female who is 5 foot 4 and weighs 86 pounds and has had 32 cosmetic surgeries. My friends say I look hideous. They also say I am analrexic (sic) but I think they are the as_holes. I think I look like Brittany Spears and they are just jealous. Enclosed is my portrait taken by a professional photographer at the local police department. What do you guys think? Don’t tell my mom because she won’t give me any money for my next surgery. Sighed, I am not hungry
We have asked our frequent and valued contributor, Dr Oral Pavlov who is the Director of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane to address this vital issue.
Dr Pavlov: Ever since the first cave woman created the first cosmetic made from ox bones found on the floor of her hut 98000 years ago evolution began its march to the beautifying of the human species. Beauty is the way nature enforces its natural selection; pretty people breed while the ugly spill their seed and fade into the dark ages. In my book, Evolution Now! ( Which won the Julius Streicher Palm d’ Or) ,I explained this process and how it pertains to the formation of an orderly society with respect for law, order and the superiority of the ruling class. This also forms the basis for the constitution of this institute and what was the original meaning of our founding fathers before fascist liberals perverted it. Now we have a logical step in the perfection of the human race; cosmetic surgery! Man’s intelligence has now become so advanced that the skill of the beautician, with little training, can perform miracles on the alter of the operating table and speed the quest to obtain eternal youth and beauty for the common woman. It can be a wonderful world if people would just do as they are told.
As for the scandalous reports in the liberal controlled media concerning cosmetic surgeries that resulted in deformities, I would like to point out that there has not been one case where surgery has failed to achieve its goal of making this freedom loving country a more beautiful place to live: Source; American Academy Of Cosmetic Beauticians and Surgeons. This is just another case of the liberal, fascist agenda trying to gain control of our health care system, deny the necessity of beauty panels and deform my penis. It has been my experience as director of this fine institution that 98% of the criminally insane failed to practice proper mental hygiene as evidenced by their lack of good grooming and cosmetic surgery. The remaining 2% practiced cosmetic surgery on other people. In fact, cosmetic surgery is mandatory at the institute. We have 98 surgical suites staffed by our residents who were formerly beauticians, barbers and a few butchers . Every Thursday is “Put On A Happy Face Day” when all of the residents have their faces done. You should see the surprised look on their faces Friday when the bandages are removed! We have the greatest health care system money can buy because we are the greatest country on earth and our people are the most evolved.
I will now address the charming Ms Fiorinala ; First; let me address your weight issue which is of the utmost importance to an intelligent American. According to the institute’s official weight chart your weight of 86 pounds is actually ten pounds over the ideal. Don’t let this get you down! There are plenty of medicines available to assist you in attaining that perfect weight. I recommend the fine products offered by Astra-Zeneca (no animal testing) that, incidentally, provides our residents their medicines free of charge. Are you dieting? I recommend a diet low in carbohydrates, protein, fiber and fat. Liquids are important so be sure that diet soda contains caffeine to offset the calories from the flavoring. We are proud that our resident dietitian creates a menu that recalls that special time when the family said a prayer and enjoyed a home cooked meal lovingly prepared by mom. Well, its just like that at this institute. You should see our residents “chow down’ at the three AM dinner time and then lick their plates after enjoying a scrumptious meal in under one minute.
We use decorator plates (Rape Of The Sabine Pattern) made from metal for easy cleaning and to prevent the consumption of the plate itself. Concerning the number of your surgeries, I do not think 32 is an unreasonable tally for a young gal of 19. I also agree that your friends are just jealous and fear that you will get all the attention of their loser boyfriends. Just ignore them and remember they will be condemned to be the ugly toads they are and will forever remain without cosmetic surgeries. Don’t worry about them, Fiorinala, you obviously are fated to be a future breeder in evolution’s unstoppable march to glorious human perfection. I can tell from your portrait that soon you will be prettier than Brittany Spears. A few more surgeries to improve what might possibly be your nose and you will look even better than Mily Cyrus, the institute‘s pin-up girl. You go, girl!
I would like to caution you about one thing and that is promiscuous sex. Be sure to select a mate that treats his body as a holy temple of God and does not lust for your luscious body unless he is in a pro-creative mood. Fiorinala; I have a surprise for you. An all expense paid stay at the institute just in time to celebrate our favorite holiday; Halloween! I am so proud of our residents as they march down the catwalk sashaying, prancing and yes, even bogeying to grateful applause! Consider entering the Vogue, my favorite, that shows their faces to their best advantage. Believe me, you have seen nothing like this on TV. Please feel free to bring a few costumes. A mask is not necessary. See you soon!
Yours in the practice of proper mental hygiene, I remains, Dr Oral Pavlov, The Director
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NNN PRESENTS “PRACTICING PROPER MENTAL HYGIENE”
There have been numerous articles declaring that prescription drug abuse is now our nation’s number one enemy in our war on drugs. In particular, the salacious reports of numerous traffic fatalities committed by drivers under the influence of prescription drugs make fascinating reading. Are these articles just another facet of our news crazed society? Will there be another cable show focusing on this problem similar to the Weather Channel? The Neutronic News Network, “The Facts Before They Happen “, turns to our chief medical and financial editor, Dr Oral Pavlov, Director of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane for his incisive and astute commentary.
There has been much misunderstanding of this subject and it is my pleasure to clarify, indemnify, rectify and sanctify for our readers the proper procedure on the uses of medicine and how it relates to proper mental hygiene. It is these irresponsible headlines created by liberal fascists and their socialist goon squads that we see today concerning the fallacy of prescription drug abuse and in particular, driving after taking medicine that prevent people from benefiting from the marvels of the pharmaceutical miracles that await all citizens and are guaranteed by the constitution of this great country.
I have observed in my forty years as director of this fine institution that 98% of the criminally insane failed to take their medicine as directed by their mothers. This led to a pattern of improper mental hygiene as evidenced by their failure to integrate into a consumer society. Indeed, this is the template, the hallmark leading to their insanity. They did not take their medicine! I assure you that at this institution they take their medicine and do so willingly and with great anticipation. When the bell rings at 1 am, 5 am, 9 am, noon, 3 pm, 6 pm and beddy- bye time at 9 pm they are lined up like cows waiting to be milked. If only all citizens would be this aware of the importance of a proper drug regimen and its amazing effects on their life we would not have the gang of liberal sniveling no-nothing complainers that now stand on the internet soapbox slandering the good names of our dedicated doctors and drug companies who have dedicated their lives to our nation’s proper mental hygiene.
Astra-Zeneca, the company that cares, for one example, has spent millions of dollars educating the public on the health benefits of their fine products by presenting compelling television spots that conclusively show the marvels of modern medicine. One can see with their own eyes the happiness and abundance of the people who appear on the small screen for our benefit. This money could have been spent on Rolex watches, comfort women and Armani suits or other rewards for their labors but their dedication propels them to serve an ungrateful and, yes, unappreciative populace. Instead of praise, our medical heroes face false accusations that a few people, who did not take their medicine properly, have sprouted strange growths on their bodies. Did it ever occur to these critics that the side-effects of medicine existed BEFORE they took it and would be much worse if they did not take their medicine?
All medicine is properly tested before approval by the FDA, AMA, by a gaggle of chimps, rats, and mice and by human volunteers to insure safety and efficacy. At this very institute over 980 compounds are tested on our residents every day. I can assure you that the criminally insane are doing their part for our nation’s health. Why would a drug company want you to take something if it wasn’t good for you? That would not make sense. In regards to people, especially our youth, who take medicine from their parents or friends, lets stop and think for a change. The fact that they take these drugs has nothing to do with their effects. Drugs do not make people high. People make themselves high. And what is that a sign of? Not abuse but a cry for help; “I need drugs, please give them to me.” Common sense would tell us if these people would be given the drugs they would not steal them. Its obvious they need them.
The few case where people who were on medication and were involved in traffic accidents they violated traffic laws or were not paying attention to their driving or doing something more important. Why would taking your medicine have anything to do with how fast a car can go or where the steering mechanism takes it? An automobile is a mechanical device and is not affected by medicine. Let’s use some common sense. In over forty years at this prestigious institution there has not been one traffic accident. As far as Dr B, who was involved in a traffic accident in Wisconsin where two people were killed is concerned, he was on his cell phone talking to me when this accident occurred. Despite the fact that he was feeling ill and had to take Ambien, Oxycontin, Valium, Leritine and Vaccicontin among other necessary medicines, he still, in spite of his infirmaries, was going to give a symposium on proper mental hygiene and how it relates to self-oscillation for our female residents and was merely distracted due its importance. What did he get for devoting his time, free of charge, for an ungrateful society? 30 years in prison.
So much for justice.
Just try telling that to our female residents who were looking forward to seeing him again! They were very fond of each other. My fellow Americans, as I take my leave I advise you to take your medicine, listen to the experts who go to great length to educate you that you are sick and sometimes sick people do not know they are sick especially when 98% of this country’s citizens need to be sedated, de-gassed, laxativated, sublimated, automated, calmed, stimulated, de-saturated, tranquillized, de-magnetized, dogmatized, fungusticized, vilified, mesmerized, eroticized and erecticized. The other 2% need to be either lobotomized, or euthanized. When that announcement plays on your television pay attention! This is a sick society and only medicine will cure us.
Yours in proper mental hygiene, I remains, Dr Oral Pavlov, The Director
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But that’s still not all. If you act now we will include a FREE RECTAL THERMOMETER! Not just any rectal thermometer but one designed by Dr Pavlov for his residents at the institute. Imagine shoving the same thermometer up your ass just like the ones the criminally insane use! Illustrated instructions in 12 languages and genuine simulated leather case included. Quartz movement. But you must act now! Supplies are limited so call now. Before someone gets hurt.
Today’s topic is “persistent genital arousal disorder” . This question concerning a little known but not uncommon disease was asked by Renee Schidt of Waterloo, Iowa who asked that her name not be used.
“ I feel like I am having orgasms all the time,” she stated . “No matter how many orgasms you have had it would be debilitating to have them almost continually, at work, at home, even at church”. Renee is not alone according to medical experts who estimate sufferers number in the thousands.
There has been false information in the popular press and web sites appealing to some people’s prurient interests so we will turn to our crack medical correspondent, Dr Oral Pavlov who is the Director for the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane for an accurate and honest view on this vital topic.
First, we must consider this a legitimate medical condition that deserves our attention and compassion as healers and dedicate our lives to finding a cure. Before I address the pervert in question, let me give you some background information on the research that I have done with female recipients in over forty years as director at this prestigious institute. Actually, my interest in this condition began in my senior year in high school when my father, who was a prominent physician and whose book “The Ant And Its Implication In Appendicitis” formed the basis for sociobiology and my mother, who was a former researcher (and suspected paramour) of Dr Richard von Kraft -Ebbing, the noted author of “Psychopathia Sexualis” hosted a dinner party for the good doctor that included his niece, Geli Raubal, who was visiting from Germany. The lively conversation was interrupted by the strange behavior of Geli who would in precisely fifteen minute intervals gaze into space and in a high pitched moan cry out, “faster pussycat” and begin to intensely vibrate causing the Bavarian crystal (the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern pattern) on the table to ring a tune suspiciously resembling the Horst Wesel Song. Dr von Kraft-Ebbing would ignore this amazing occurrence and continue his discussion on the mating habits of artic mice and how they relate to the courting rituals of the natives. Not wanting to embarrass their guests, my parents would also ignore Geli and attempt to include her in the conversation with a passable German. I was captivated by Geli and her ’spells’ only added to the allure of this admittedly hormone infused young man.
After dinner we took a walk in my parents’ garden which was alive with bees and flowers whose pollen mixed with Geli’s perfume and pheromones creating a euphoric cloud of golden raindrops enveloping us in a cataclysmic rhapsody punctuated with the toots of a Hungarian Cuckoo bird. It was at this moment, this sacred revelation of my destiny, that I choose to devote my life to discovering a cure for this evil curse that had incubated in this gloriously beautiful maiden. I also was wondering why my member mystically transformed into a state of tumescence but that’s a topic for another column. These memories have not faded and were a driving force in my discovery for this condition. After years of intense experimentation utilizing the willing services of female volunteers who had this abominable curse (over 98% of females who are criminally insane exhibit this condition although it is not apparent until revealed by years of treatments which are personally supervised by me with the assistance of a select few residents) I was finally able to put my finger on the problem.
As in many great scientific discoveries I experienced a “Eureka ! moment ” while mixing some vesicant salve with a Wharing blender (white in colour) when the aroma of hyacinths permeated the room and a bee landed on the Wharing blender’s speed control. I had just finished reading a paper, Nerve endings in the pudenda and their harmonic oscillations in a closed circuit Modafanil medium written by a colleague, Dr Hannah Kopfkraken of the Argentine State Security Institute, when my theory , Brain Colour Changes Vibrations Causation coalesced into what is the foundation of neuroscience . I will not delve into what is now accepted medical science concerning this subject or how the colour of a woman’s undergarments play a prominent role in this condition but suffice to say anyone would believe it if they had the intelligence to understand it.
I will now address Renee in a personal plea to assist her recovery and get her off the streets.
Dear Renee: I received your plea for help and now I am here at your side to guide you thru your hopeless journey thru hell. First, lets address your thoughts of suicide. I understand why you have this feeling of wanting to end it all; it’s a practical solution to any problem. Having all those people stare at you as you reach an orgasm suitable for a crack -head in a monkey cage would make even an insane person feel self -conscious. And don’t think people don’t notice! Maybe you realize that people have this series of reactions: First, they are horrified and fear for their children’s safety. That’s why, Renee, the police are watching you; second, is acceptance. They realize that evil exists in unspeakable places and the area between your legs is the center of unimaginable filth. Of course you feel dirty. You should. That’s normal. Then comes coping measures. Gossip leads the way. Your neighbor and relatives know. So do your co-workers who, I am sure, have secretly video-taped your bouts of frenzied self-gratification. In fact, that may be you on U Tube. Then there is humor. People use this to relieve the unbearable tension that your presence creates. Personally I have collected over 98 jokes about your condition and they are the hit of any cocktail party. No wonder things seem so hopeless for you and why you feel lower than any trailer trash lowlife and worse than any deranged dope fiend. This is understandable.
The good news, Renee, is that you are not alone. Over 98% of people with your condition blow their brains out so you have plenty of company and I hope that is a comfort to you. You may find this interesting: The other 2% gain meaningful employment as side-show freaks in various traveling circuses. You are expected to perform but that doesn’t seem to be a problem. Something to consider, Renee, especially in these times of high unemployment. It should be a relief to know that meaningful employment is an option when the chances of being shit-canned from your loser job are inevitable. I bet you feel better already!
I have made arrangements for you to be a guest at the institute where you will find comfort and solace among your new friends. I assure you they will be quite interested and soon you will feel a part of the family who understands these matters. Perhaps you would be interested in performing for the institute’s annual musical that we all look forward in celebrating. Its the hope of every criminally insane person to appear on American Idol and their dreams are realized once every year. I am sure you would not have a problem filling the role of “Madame Butterfly”. Well, Renee, I hope you feel better knowing someone finally cares about you. I know the Institute will be a life-changing experience for you and I await your arrival.
Yours in proper mental hygiene,
Dr Oral Pavlov, Director
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