Dr Oral Pavlov, the esteemed director of the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane, returned Sunday from his extraordinary visit to the Peoples Democratic Republic Of North Korea..

“The admiration that these happy, hard working citizens showed to their Dear Leader touched my heart and set an example that the people of America could well learn”, Dr Pavlov exclaimed to the throng of jubilant reporters that greeted him upon arrival. Pointing to his shirt with Kim Jong-un’s picture proudly emblazoned on the front, he also declared, “I  will not remove this sacred tunic until the war on depression is defeated”. He later clarified that statement by saying it referred to America, and not North Korea where he could detect no signs of that dreaded disease

It was a busy and productive visit for the tireless crusader for the criminally insane challenged. A tour of the Luon Doung missile complex was highlighted with a display of the latest nuclear weapons that looked like gaily decorated basketballs and was followed with a banquet featuring the world famous cuisine that is a hallmark of North Korean society “Indeed”, the Dear Leader exclaimed, “This is the same feast all of our citizens are now enjoying at their own bountiful tables.”. Entertainment was provided by the Big Leap For Victory marching band comprised of 30,000 pre-teen girls in a dazzling dancing display of stylish synchronicity.

Not all was fun and games. A visit to the Tomb of the Unknown Relative found the Dear Leader in a solemn and somber mood. “I was touched  by his humility, his humanity and obvious love for his country” stated an emotional Dr. Pavlov. Business opportunities were also discussed concerning the growing pharmaceutical industry in this progressive country. Accompanying the trip was Mr Tom Morino, Dr Pavlov’s longtime friend and confidant, who was recently appointed AstraZeneca’s Vice- President of Global  Markets For Depression. What is described as the new Magna Carta for the treatment of the criminally insane challenged was also signed. Commenting on this momentous moment, Mr Molino proclaimed, ” Now America can benefit from North Korea’s years of research and treatment for the criminally insane challenged.”

The crowning moment in this epic visit was the announcement by these two great humanitarians during their meeting in the Biggest Hall Of Freedom when a new pact between the two countries was signed. The Protocols Of Proper Mental Hygiene will bring a new world of peace and prosperity and friendship between the two countries. “Much work needs to be done”,, the smiling Dear Leader declared. “Looking ahead to 2020, a foreign exchange leader program is in the planning stage and compulsory fashion classes for our young ladies will be taught by the most lovely and well-formed Ivanka if she can work it into her schedule. I am so happy that  Ivanka has generously offered to sell her complete line of cosmetics, shampoos, unguents, salves, and lotions which will add to the glory of our already beautiful women”..

Returning from his victorious visit the good doctor felt  happy and content to be home to his beloved Institute and the awaiting residents who feted him with a coming home party and a tour of the newly expanded pet crematorium. ” I love trotting the globe and fulfilling my destiny as a great crusader for proper mental hygiene, but my heart will always be beating for the criminally insane challenged” a joyful Dr. Pavlov exclaimed.

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For the criminally insane challenged to integrate into our society, a sound, loving marriage is essential. As director of this prestigious Institution I have endeavored by intense study and spiritual reflection to obtain my ordination as a certified marriage counselor so I may unite our residents with the bonds of holy matrimony. I have also founded a new program that will not only provide a wedding chapel at the institute for our residents but also for visiting brides and grooms regardless of their race, color,creed or mental stability. A training program for our residents with the goal of becoming certified marriage counselors, officiates, celebrants, photographers and DJ’s will offer a complete package for an unforgettable union.  Courses in floral arrangement will also be offered as well as a design bureau for wedding rings that will provide a unique and lasting memento for the newly weds. Space for the new wedding chapel, which we have named “The Invisible Wedding Bell Chapel”, will be located next to our pet crematorium that is handicapped and gurney accessible. Rooms will be available at the Institute for guests who will experience the utmost in hospitality from our friendly residents. A physician will give an exhaustive examination, courtesy of AstraZeneca, that will provide a valid prescription for suitable antidepressants insuring the couple a lifetime of happiness free of this dreaded disease.Their guests may also participate in this generous offering so essential for the practice of proper mental hygiene.You can imagine the excitement of being wed at our chapel and the happy couple will treasure these memories until death due them part. Off season discounts will be offered.



The Betty Ford Institute for the Criminally Insane and with the support of their friends at AstraZeneca and DuPont Industrial Solvents and Pharmaceuticals, has introduced a program to change the lives of the criminally insane challenged. This revolutionary pharma/social experiment will release one of our trusted residents into society where he will find his way into being a productive member of humanity. Spiritually fortified with the wisdom and learning experiences gained after years of expert institutional care, he will demonstrate his ability to navigate life with suitable antidepressants and without the encumbrances of authority,  supervision, counsel or other needless interferences. After a spirited contest which all the residents participated, Heaton Moon has been selected as the lucky winner. Heaton is a person of many accomplishments. He made the Institute his home shortly after being awarded the door-to-door salesman of the year by his proud employer, the Gotzu Cutlery Company of Singapore, and at the institute he was honored as the “Test Pilot Of The Year’ for his enthusiastic participation is over 980 drug trials. Another accolade was his fourth place award for the “Thomas Elvin Edison Electrical Pioneer Certificate” for being administered 98 electro shock treatments. Heaton, who began his literary career in first grade by writing on rest room walls, will be chronicling his adventures on  NNN with his column, “ScotchGuarding* The Fabric Of Society“. What really impresses me is his infectious, happy attitude that is evident in his writing. Here is a sample that took third place in our recent poetry contest:
Thoughts of my future
Recalled from the past
Like living in a house
With unwanted guests
Upon a hill overlooking
The valley of death
Bones crack like thunder

I am sure we all wish Heaton the best of luck as a new, freedom-loving American and with more luck you may even
meet him in your own neighborhood.
Wishing you the best in your practice of proper mental hygiene, I remains, Dr Oral Pavlov, the Director
*Copyright 3M Corp.


A devastating new disease killing our nation’s pets has been discovered by researchers at the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane. The disease, named Neural Pavacholia by the institute’s director, Dr Oral Pavlov, affects pets with a debilitating and often fatal depression.
The American Psychiatric Association “Our  Business Is Your Brain’  has announced changes in the DSM which is a book used to classify 980 mental disorders to insure that the psychiatrists know how to prescribe the correct drugs, unguents, suppositories and vesicants to treat these maladies.  It also insures that the members do not embarrass themselves at their frequent cocktail parties by using outdated terms like neurosis, retard, wacko and bedlam. The encouraging and most important change is now animals are finally acknowledged to be inflicted with these conditions and are  able to be treated with the same drugs for mental instability as their human counterparts. The growing pet insurance industry, bolstered by the inclusion of animals in Medicaid and Medicare that is required by the US Constitution, has been an avid supporter and its caring and concern was instrumental in making these changes. There is one possible omission, however and that is Neural Pavacholia Syndrome which is a newly discovered illness afflicting animals and people of Caucasian abstraction.

The Neutronic News Network asks if this  condition belongs in this learned compendium of mental misery. To answer this vital question for pet owners we turn to our editor of health and fashion affairs, Dr Oral Pavlov, the esteemed director of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane.
Dr. Pavlov:
Hello and quit staring at me.  First, some background information. I can categorically state that I and the entire community at the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane believe that animals play a life affirming role in the therapeutic regimen that is the hallmark of the nation’s leader in providing hope and confinement  for the lives of the criminally insane challenged. Our carefree inhabitants immerse themselves in nature’s birth and death cycle utilizing their pets, real and imaginary, that they have acquired during the course of their treatment. To attain this goal of self discovery which is vital to the criminally insane challenged,  we have our own pet crematorium that is run without supervision by our honor clients who have 20 years or more of treatment and who can function on a daily dose of 4,000 mg of Thorazine. It is a touching sight to see a hundred or more of our residents that include Napoleon and Jesus Christ shuffling along in a solemn ceremony to incinerate their pets. Music is another treatment therapy and our house band, “The Unseen Choir” really shines when they accompany the quacks, oinks, tweets and other incantations that the dying pets make  accompanying their owners on their holy procession to their  awaiting doom .  It is literally breathtaking when the light of hundreds of candles, the reflections of cranial electrodes and the flames of the crematorium illuminate their angelic faces. The pets also look good. This coming together creates a community that could be a model for a common sense solution for today’s society which has become a perverse cesspool of deviants who don‘t care for their pets or the practice of proper mental hygiene.

I was encouraged that the DSM that describes the conditions, syndromes, disorders and curses now apply to all animals and in particular to pets.  I fear, however, there is a grievous omission; Neural Pavacholia Syndrome,  a diagnosis which resulted from my 40 years of research at this very institution that traced this malady to the vertical displacement of the modafinil re-uptake inhibitor of the fourth humor staining  the brain in esthetically displeasing colours. I can now say to the editors and compilers of the DSM who so sarcastically dismissed my brainchild as “drivel emitted from a mind suffering from the flushing of too many toilets” that I have news for you doubting Thomases:  Astra-Zeneca, the pharmaceutical company that cares, has entered into an agreement with the institute to test various compounds ( over 980)  and has endorsed this malady.  This won’t be the first time this and other concerned companies have had to show the medical profession what a mental disease is. Just ask 9,898,000 of our school kids (and their friends) how pleased they are to take amphetamine derivatives. I am happy for the institute, its clients and pets. Most of all, I am happy for the animals that sacrifice their lives for the benefit of mankind. Thanks to the courageous residents of the institute who volunteered as test subjects, to our research laboratory with its modern computer and with the help and dedication of the pharmaceutical industry, someday Neural Pavacholia will be eliminated from the lives of our pets.

Incidentally, my plans for the institute include a re-design of our spaceship, a lock for our medicine cabinet, a state-of-the-art digital lobotomizer and a swimming pool for everyone’s enjoyment.  Thank you, Astra-Zeneca  and thanks to you, the Neutronic News Network for your concern for our nation’s pets and the criminally insane challenged. Wishing you the best in your practice of proper mental hygiene, I remains, Dr Oral Pavlov, the Director.

********** IS YOUR PET DEPRESSED?***********
Depression is a serious threat to the health and wellbeing of your pet. Take our handy test to determine if your pet is suffering from depression and get help before it progresses to Neural Pavacholia and  your pet dies or someone in your family is attacked.
A: Does your pet stare at you with a disturbed look?
B: Is your cat sleeping too much?
C: Does your dog bark for no reason?
These are just a few of the vital questions that are asked on the PAVAPET* PERSONALITY INVENTORY EXAM that is included in the PavaPet*Care Kit. Developed by renown neural veterinarians, this exam may save your pet from a life of needless depression and an early, painful death.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! Your kit also includes the following;
A COUPON redeemable at any pet care clinic for a free sample of antidepressants from AstraZeneca the nation’s leader on the war on animal and human depression and a
selection of PAVASNAPS* pet snacks made from genuine ocean shark cartilage in a savory sauce. These tasty treats build strong teeth while guarding against depression and ear mites.
PLUS! A CERTIFICATE for a 10% discount at any participating pet crematorium. But you must order now, BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. Email for more information to;  AstraZeneca/pavapet.com
* Pavapet and Pavasnaps are trademarks of Pavlov Institutional Pet Care, LLC

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