NNN report from health correspondent Dr Mercurial Benway

A new survey has found that 37% of Amerikans now suffer from autism. “not to be confused with onanism, autism is a much more serious disease resulting in the polarity of the brain’s hemispheres with the resultant fusing of the pre-tensile prepuce” stated Dr. E. R. Judah, president of the academy of medicinal lubricants and the author of the best selling text on anatomy, “the penis: its causes and cure”. the results of autism are staggering; 87% of fatal automobile accidents, 89% of school shootings, and 98% of impure and seditious thoughts can be attributed to this disease. “its no wonder our minds are out of control with weird stuff” observed Dr Judah. with his hairy fingers punctuating his conversation which became more strident as it reached its climax.. during a recent meeting of the academy held in Helsinki on December 12. he added ” its America’s dark secret. we must, as a nation, get this out of the closet and away from my aunt’s undergarments”. Dr Judah recommended discussing this topic at the family dinner table at burger king and at your place of worship at the channel of your choice or just talking to yourself with some provocative photos of Miley Cirrus, preferably late at night to prevent any interruptions. Dr Judah final remark, “we must conclude this meeting using our imagination to finish the job” was met with a thunderous applause and a few gasps by the 200 participants each of their hands grasping a wide array of objects from hand puppets to a baseball catcher’s mitt. They then exited to their respective hotel rooms with a look of grim determination.


NNN proudly announces that “Psychopaths Without Borders” starring none other than Nancy Grace will soon bless the Neutronic News Network offering unheard  of in-depth investigations of history’s most baffling and prurient cases of criminal mischief!

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Many of our readers have become alarmed at the reports of an hidden epidemic of Autism that is sweeping the land and victimizing our nation’s most vulnerable citizens, our innocent children. We turn to our NNN correspondent of medical and business affairs, Dr Oral Pavlov, the director of the Betty Ford Institute For the Criminally Insane for his learned and insightful comments.

Dr Pavlov:

Good day my faitthful readers  and you are to be commended for your concern regarding this threat to our nation’s health and security and I can’t blame you for becoming hysterical. You should be.Let’s us ask and answer some important questions.

First what is Autism? Expressed in layman’s term, unencumbered by professional terminology that only people like myself, trained psychiatrists with years of experience in the sacred study of the human mind and legally entrusted with life saving chemical compounds can comprehend, Autism is an insidious, evil disorder where a person acts weird. My forty years of research at this prestigious institute has determined that this behavior begins at conception and follows exponentially into adulthood culminating in criminal insanity of a most despicable and odious nature.

Over  98% of the criminally insane are Autistic and the numbers of these dangerous lunatics is accelerating our of control. But there is hope! Soon, our new found and enlightened members of Washington will soon pass a bill declaring a WAR on Autism.

What causes Autism? Give up? Autism is caused by a mutant gene that is found in our air and water the direct result of foolish legislation passed by liberals in their attempt to gain control of our air and water supply.Fortunately, this gene can be revealed by a special scientific instrument designed by our friends at Raethon. This special hadron smasher microscope was first proposed for the Atom-for-peace Program back in the 1950’s by Dr Hebert Kahn. The idea was “put on the shelf’ for over fifty years before it was found by his son, Dr Herbert Hahn,Jr. while searching for a light bulb with his secretary Eileen, who is no longer with us. If I may add, I am sick and tired of  accusations which have been electrically transmitted on the interior of restroom stalls and other germ infested places that i used Eileen for questionable research projects. I say to you, don’t think you won’t be caught! Just ask my former dentist, Dr Incisidor. who was placing  recording devices in my molars. Now, back to your questions.

What can be done to protect our children and to insure that this mental plague can be stopped and my child will not be institutionalized for the rest of his or her life which will happen if you don’t love your child, God’s most precious gift?  We have our pharmaceutical establishment to thank for now we have a cure. AstraZeneca (stock symbol AZN, 51.88 up an eighth) has developed medicine that starts in the womb  to give those developing neurons a head start in fighting this disease and then another miraculous compound that is taken for life to ward off the mutant genes that are now surrounding us in an ominous cloud of potential insanity and unclean eating surfaces. I urge you to take advantage of this drug delivery system called First and Last Steps. Ask your family doctor for a free sample and also receive a free DVD produced by Disney in a cartoon format so even the kids will enjoy watching it over and over again.

Wishing you the best in your practice of proper mental hygiene.

I remains,

Dr Oral Pavlov, the Director

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My fellow Amerikans;

The Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane needs your help!  One of our resident programs that prepares deserving men and woman for a second (or third or fourth) chance to become a productive member of society needs financial help!  The institute needs cadavers, dolls, framed pictures of Mily Ccyrus  and other supplies to continue their goal to return our residents to society.  As you gather around the Christmas tree and enjoy your Holiday feast, won’t you think of us? Please give and give generously and you may find that your doctor or dentist is one of our graduates. Thank you and best wishes this Holiday season!

Pictured is one of our High Honors students, Fred P,  practicing the art of cranial injection, Won’t you please help him realize his dreams of becoming a neural surgeon or pumpkin farmer?


Dr Oral Pavlov, Director

P.S.  It is a fact that 98% of the criminally insane did not donate to charity