Yes, i know this man and he is who he says he is. the press which is on the payroll of Cern has distorted this story. the person described as a lunatic, Mr Cole, is actually the former president and founder of Cern. The blender he was carrying was the actual prototype of the hadron collider which is actually one big Waring blender. the whole cern collider is one big charade and just another excuse for the religion of science to promote itself. the dogma of science is not all too difficult to understand when its transparent veil is rendered. The missing higgs boson was found in a Chicago hotel room amidst the debris in a garbage bin where an alert cleaning lady whose hobby was quantum mechanics was examining various remnants of modern culture recognized it and placed it on her mantle as a conversation piece. It remained there for ten years until a filter queen vacuum salesman, an unemployed astro-physicist, obtained the boson by trading it for the vacuum’s attachments and a bag of body ash that the cleaning lady for some strange reason became enamored. The new owner, Arnold Higgs of Mandan, ND, (not to be confused with Peter Higgs, the scientist) named the boson after his dog, Dolly. The dolly moniker was subsequently dropped – and the new owner placed it in his medicine cabinet and it was in this cabinet that the future president of cern and the principal player of this article stole it while searching for medicine to soothe his phantom bunions which he attributed to radiation poisoning caused by a Gilbert chemistry set which he received on his tenth birthday along with an anatomically correct female doll. Disaster occurred when Mr Cole accidentally consumed the boson by mistaking it for an aspirin tablet during a power outage. Racked with guilt, Mr Cole dedicated his life’s work to creating another boson. Fate stepped in once again when Mr Waring and Mr Cole met in a doughnut shop and amidst a conversation on the similarity of black and doughnut holes a lifelong partnership formed. A third party, Everett Kulp, a Cleveland dental floss salesman and devotee of the string theory, joined the two until he was electrocuted in an experiment with a craftsman drill and an anatomically correct female doll named, coincidentally, Dolly.
Peter Higgs was one of three particle physicists whose papers were later discovered to contain theoretical evidence of a particle that would BLEND quantum mechanics and general relatively into one provable “fact”. Peter Higgs was not only a brilliant scientist but a liar and a cheat who won the boson in a rigged dice game in the Chicago hotel room where the boson was mistakenly discarded with a condom wrapper into the trash. Peter Higgs concocted the whole theory that was to prove something can exist. the real fact is that it, the boson, already did. It was Mr Cole who devised a workable blender to create a second boson and succeeded. Incidentally, you can contact Mr. Waring, the inventor of the Waring blender at our institute. He will be glad to assist you with your blending needs. as for Peter Higgs, tell that bastard we want our ashtray back. I am glad to clear this up for our readers. Dr. Oral Pavlov, Director
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