S&P First, God Seocnd


Our question for today was sent in by Princess Tremble,  a fifth grade student at the Sacred Waters Baptist School. Princess, who was recently voted the most bullied girl in school, asks this question; “Can liberals go to heaven?“ Our religious affairs editor, The Very Right Reverend Helmut Krakoefen, who is the past pastor of the First Third Utilitarian Church and who now acts as an adviser to the Argentine Security Bureau while also providing spiritual counseling to death row inmates, answers this important question.
Rev. Krakoefen:
Princess, this is a very stupid question but I will answer it anyway. No, all liberals are going to hell. The record on this would be very clear if you would read your bible which you obviously have not. Give some thought to putting away childish things such as your IPad or the fires of hell will be lapping at your obscenely painted toenails. Start improving your self image and scrub your face of makeup and other sinful beauty nonsense. It won’t do you any good and start practicing Christian charity and respect for others or you will spend eternity condemned to listening to speeches from Stalin, Hitler, Kennedy and all the other Jews from the Church Of Rome.


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S&P First, God Seocnd
In an unexpected development God has downgraded His rating of America as a Christian nation. God’s official spokesman, the Very Right Rev. Helmut Krakoefen who is the former pastor of First Third Utilitarian Church and who now has assumed the role of Grand  Chaplain Eighth Degree for the National Organization Of Moral Certitude, LLC. made the announcement today while attending to his duties as spiritual advisor for the Second Annual Miley Cyrus Look-Alike Contest held in Atlantic City. Noting the severe decline in this Nation‘s moral underpinning the reverend pontificated, “Actually I saw this coming”. The stern faced religious leader known as a strict disciplinarian among his followers also stated “It began after this last presidential election. The numbers of people not working has risen dramatically which is an unmistakable indication that God feels that people are not listening to His message of earthly abundance and are instead just waiting to die. In fact, people have even quit paying their tithes” the distraught preacher added, his eyes filling with tears.

A national day of prayer for God’s forgiveness and a higher rating will be held on August 20.