MOTHER’S DAY GUNSHOT TOLL REACHES 12

Mother’s Day  took on a tragic note for the 12 families whose celebration was marred by fatal gunshot wounds. The latest victim, Mrs. Agnes Patterson, 69, of Lima, Ohio passed away this Tuesday morning from a gunshot wound to the head when her grandson, Timmy, about to present his Mother’s Day gift, a Talon Avenger, tripped causing the accidental discharge of the weapon delivering a 45 caliber fatal wound to Mrs Peterson that entered her cerebral cortex then exited and struck and destroyed a Bavarian Cuckoo Clock, a family heirloom. Her son, Detmar Patterson stated, “This really put a damper on mom’s special day. I don’t care about that stupid clock but I paid $698 for that Avenger and now the police won’t give it back.”
All was not bad news on this Mother’s Day, however. Charles Starkweather, Jr, president of the Lima branch of the National Rifle Association announced at a news conference that due to responsible gun ownership 3,200 potentially fatal incidents were averted on Mother’s Day by alert gun owners. “That gives us a net total for the day of over 3,000 lives saved by responsible gun ownership ” a smiling Starkweather told the rambunctious crowd.
In related news Angus Rottweiler, president of the National Floral Association commenting on these same deaths apologized for remarks he made on the NNN Lights Out morning show when he said  Mother’s Day and funerals are the biggest events for flower sales  so we  really had a hum dinger of a day. “What I meant to say”,  declared  Mr. Rottweiler, “is my heart really goes out to these 12 families and next year we will be offering a special combination Mother’s Day and funeral  coupon good for a 10% discount for mom’s killed on her special day.” Mr Rottweiler added that this coupon cannot be combined with any other offer.

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THE FUTURE IS NOW: MEDICAL MARVELS

NNN PRESENTS THE FUTURE IS NOW: MEDICAL MARVELS
It was announced today that a new weapon has joined the nation’s arsenal on our war on depression. The introduction of the Pavascope will now enable the family physician to discover the seeds of depression before they sprout by peering into the brains of newborns and toddlers. “This product of medical  technology  will alter the landscape of our nation’s battle against depression that pervades the fabric of our society and will cast it into the dustbin of history along with polio, small pox and erectile dysfunction” declared a jubilant Dr Oral Pavlov, the director of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane. The Pavascope is the product of months of dedicated work at the institute’s research lab led by longtime resident Dr Wolfgang Hammer, formerly the head of the Phrenology Dept at Bob Jones University. The ingeniously designed Pavascope is comprised of two parts connected with a fiber optic cord. A patented polarizing  lens sensor is inserted into the patient’s ear and a reading is transferred via the cord into the readout unit where information is displayed on a three inch 980,000 pixel monitor. The result, which can be translated into 98 languages, gives a clear command to the physician eliminating the chance of error. If the machine detects  depression  BAD appears on the screen. If the word  GOOD appears it means that no depression is present. The examination is completed in just 10 seconds. If the answer is BAD a prescription selected from 98 different compounds is prescribed and the parent and child is sent on their way to their local pharmacy and on the road to recovery. If the answer is GOOD the patient will be monitored every three months for any change. Dr Pavlov also stated,  “Soon the Pavascope will take its place in the family medicine cabinet next to the rectal thermometer“. Our proud nation has awaited that great day when depression is a thing of the past. Thanks to medical marvels, the future is today!

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BREAKING NEWS: GOD DOWNGRADES AMERICA AS A CHRISTIAN NATION

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In an unexpected development God has downgraded His rating of America as a Christian nation. God’s official spokesman, the Very Right Rev. Helmut Krakoefen who is the former pastor of First Third Utilitarian Church and who now has assumed the role of Grand  Chaplain Eighth Degree for the National Organization Of Moral Certitude, LLC. made the announcement today while attending to his duties as spiritual advisor for the Second Annual Miley Cyrus Look-Alike Contest held in Atlantic City. Noting the severe decline in this Nation‘s moral underpinning the reverend pontificated, “Actually I saw this coming”. The stern faced religious leader known as a strict disciplinarian among his followers also stated “It began after this last presidential election. The numbers of people not working has risen dramatically which is an unmistakable indication that God feels that people are not listening to His message of earthly abundance and are instead just waiting to die. In fact, people have even quit paying their tithes” the distraught preacher added, his eyes filling with tears.

A national day of prayer for God’s forgiveness and a higher rating will be held on August 20.

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NEUTRONIC NEWS NETWORK SPECIAL REPORT HADRON COLLIDER MISSING!

 

Reporting from Geneva, Switzerland  (located in Europe- refer to Google map)

Officials of the LHC- Large Hadron Collider- have reported that the 5 billion dollar scientific apparatus is missing. Search teams have begun the task of excavating over 7 billion metric tons of earth in an attempt to discover the remains of the world’s most advanced scientific device and its 17 miles of tunnel located beneath 8 million acres of Swiss soil..

“What is really tragic”, stated H. Kahn, the director of LHC “is that we discovered the Higs Boson, the smallest particle of the atom, but now we lost the whole collider thing”. A reward of 5 billion Euros is being offered for the return of the Collider.

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