NNN PRESENTS “PRACTICING PROPER MENTAL HYGIENE”
There have been numerous articles declaring that prescription drug abuse is now our nation’s number one enemy in our war on drugs. In particular, the salacious reports of numerous traffic fatalities committed by drivers under the influence of prescription drugs make fascinating reading. Are these articles just another facet of our news crazed society? Will there be another cable show focusing on this problem similar to the Weather Channel? The Neutronic News Network, “The Facts Before They Happen “, turns to our chief medical and financial editor, Dr Oral Pavlov, Director of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane for his incisive and astute commentary.
There has been much misunderstanding of this subject and it is my pleasure to clarify, indemnify, rectify and sanctify for our readers the proper procedure on the uses of medicine and how it relates to proper mental hygiene. It is these irresponsible headlines created by liberal fascists and their socialist goon squads that we see today concerning the fallacy of prescription drug abuse and in particular, driving after taking medicine that prevent people from benefiting from the marvels of the pharmaceutical miracles that await all citizens and are guaranteed by the constitution of this great country.
I have observed in my forty years as director of this fine institution that 98% of the criminally insane failed to take their medicine as directed by their mothers. This led to a pattern of improper mental hygiene as evidenced by their failure to integrate into a consumer society. Indeed, this is the template, the hallmark leading to their insanity. They did not take their medicine! I assure you that at this institution they take their medicine and do so willingly and with great anticipation. When the bell rings at 1 am, 5 am, 9 am, noon, 3 pm, 6 pm and beddy- bye time at 9 pm they are lined up like cows waiting to be milked. If only all citizens would be this aware of the importance of a proper drug regimen and its amazing effects on their life we would not have the gang of liberal sniveling no-nothing complainers that now stand on the internet soapbox slandering the good names of our dedicated doctors and drug companies who have dedicated their lives to our nation’s proper mental hygiene.
Astra-Zeneca, the company that cares, for one example, has spent millions of dollars educating the public on the health benefits of their fine products by presenting compelling television spots that conclusively show the marvels of modern medicine. One can see with their own eyes the happiness and abundance of the people who appear on the small screen for our benefit. This money could have been spent on Rolex watches, comfort women and Armani suits or other rewards for their labors but their dedication propels them to serve an ungrateful and, yes, unappreciative populace. Instead of praise, our medical heroes face false accusations that a few people, who did not take their medicine properly, have sprouted strange growths on their bodies. Did it ever occur to these critics that the side-effects of medicine existed BEFORE they took it and would be much worse if they did not take their medicine?
All medicine is properly tested before approval by the FDA, AMA, by a gaggle of chimps, rats, and mice and by human volunteers to insure safety and efficacy. At this very institute over 980 compounds are tested on our residents every day. I can assure you that the criminally insane are doing their part for our nation’s health. Why would a drug company want you to take something if it wasn’t good for you? That would not make sense. In regards to people, especially our youth, who take medicine from their parents or friends, lets stop and think for a change. The fact that they take these drugs has nothing to do with their effects. Drugs do not make people high. People make themselves high. And what is that a sign of? Not abuse but a cry for help; “I need drugs, please give them to me.” Common sense would tell us if these people would be given the drugs they would not steal them. Its obvious they need them.
The few case where people who were on medication and were involved in traffic accidents they violated traffic laws or were not paying attention to their driving or doing something more important. Why would taking your medicine have anything to do with how fast a car can go or where the steering mechanism takes it? An automobile is a mechanical device and is not affected by medicine. Let’s use some common sense. In over forty years at this prestigious institution there has not been one traffic accident. As far as Dr B, who was involved in a traffic accident in Wisconsin where two people were killed is concerned, he was on his cell phone talking to me when this accident occurred. Despite the fact that he was feeling ill and had to take Ambien, Oxycontin, Valium, Leritine and Vaccicontin among other necessary medicines, he still, in spite of his infirmaries, was going to give a symposium on proper mental hygiene and how it relates to self-oscillation for our female residents and was merely distracted due its importance. What did he get for devoting his time, free of charge, for an ungrateful society? 30 years in prison.
So much for justice.
Just try telling that to our female residents who were looking forward to seeing him again! They were very fond of each other. My fellow Americans, as I take my leave I advise you to take your medicine, listen to the experts who go to great length to educate you that you are sick and sometimes sick people do not know they are sick especially when 98% of this country’s citizens need to be sedated, de-gassed, laxativated, sublimated, automated, calmed, stimulated, de-saturated, tranquillized, de-magnetized, dogmatized, fungusticized, vilified, mesmerized, eroticized and erecticized. The other 2% need to be either lobotomized, or euthanized. When that announcement plays on your television pay attention! This is a sick society and only medicine will cure us.
Yours in proper mental hygiene, I remains, Dr Oral Pavlov, The Director
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OFFICIAL MEDICAL WALL CLOCK JUST LIKE THE ONE THE BETTY FORD INSTITUTE FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE USES IN EVERY ROOM!!
This fine precision instrument does more than just tell you the time. It tells you when to take your medicine. No more missed doses when this clock hangs on your wall. An alarm bell will sound up to 60 times a day to fit your medicine schedule. But that’s not all. You may choose among a selection of sixty different bells! From “tin-tanabulation” to the “Bells of Saint Mary’s” you can customize your clock for your family needs. You can even have all 60 bells ringing in unison. Order one for every room.
But that’s still not all. If you act now we will include a FREE RECTAL THERMOMETER! Not just any rectal thermometer but one designed by Dr Pavlov for his residents at the institute. Imagine shoving the same thermometer up your ass just like the ones the criminally insane use! Illustrated instructions in 12 languages and genuine simulated leather case included. Quartz movement. But you must act now! Supplies are limited so call now. Before someone gets hurt.