Cosmetic Surgery

 

 

NNN PRESENTS PRACTICING PROPER MENTAL HYGIENE Today’s question concerns cosmetic surgery. Is this type of surgery necessary? Is it a symptom of our youth and beauty obsessed culture or is it a necessity to fulfill God’s command to go forth and multiply?

Our reader, Fiorinala Nymphetti of 2989 Mountain Lane, Venice, Kansas, writes:

Dear NNN; I am a 19 year old female who is 5 foot 4 and weighs 86 pounds and has had 32 cosmetic surgeries. My friends say I look hideous. They also say I am analrexic (sic) but I think they are the as_holes. I think I look like Brittany Spears and they are just jealous. Enclosed is my portrait taken by a professional photographer at the local police department. What do you guys think? Don’t tell my mom because she won’t give me any money for my next surgery. Sighed, I am not hungry

We have asked our frequent and valued contributor, Dr Oral Pavlov who is the Director of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane to address this vital issue.

Dr Pavlov: Ever since the first cave woman created the first cosmetic made from ox bones found on the floor of her hut 98000 years ago evolution began its march to the beautifying of the human species. Beauty is the way nature enforces its natural selection; pretty people breed while the ugly spill their seed and fade into the dark ages. In my book, Evolution Now! ( Which won the Julius Streicher Palm d’ Or) ,I explained this process and how it pertains to the formation of an orderly society with respect for law, order and the superiority of the ruling class. This also forms the basis for the constitution of this institute and what was the original meaning of our founding fathers before fascist liberals perverted it. Now we have a logical step in the perfection of the human race; cosmetic surgery! Man’s intelligence has now become so advanced that the skill of the beautician, with little training, can perform miracles on the alter of the operating table and speed the quest to obtain eternal youth and beauty for the common woman. It can be a wonderful world if people would just do as they are told.

As for the scandalous reports in the liberal controlled media concerning cosmetic surgeries that resulted in deformities, I would like to point out that there has not been one case where surgery has failed to achieve its goal of making this freedom loving country a more beautiful place to live: Source; American Academy Of Cosmetic Beauticians and Surgeons. This is just another case of the liberal, fascist agenda trying to gain control of our health care system, deny the necessity of beauty panels and deform my penis. It has been my experience as director of this fine institution that 98% of the criminally insane failed to practice proper mental hygiene as evidenced by their lack of good grooming and cosmetic surgery. The remaining 2% practiced cosmetic surgery on other people. In fact, cosmetic surgery is mandatory at the institute. We have 98 surgical suites staffed by our residents who were formerly beauticians, barbers and a few butchers . Every Thursday is “Put On A Happy Face Day” when all of the residents have their faces done. You should see the surprised look on their faces Friday when the bandages are removed! We have the greatest health care system money can buy because we are the greatest country on earth and our people are the most evolved.

I will now address the charming Ms Fiorinala ; First; let me address your weight issue which is of the utmost importance to an intelligent American. According to the institute’s official weight chart your weight of 86 pounds is actually ten pounds over the ideal. Don’t let this get you down! There are plenty of medicines available to assist you in attaining that perfect weight. I recommend the fine products offered by Astra-Zeneca (no animal testing) that, incidentally, provides our residents their medicines free of charge. Are you dieting? I recommend a diet low in carbohydrates, protein, fiber and fat. Liquids are important so be sure that diet soda contains caffeine to offset the calories from the flavoring. We are proud that our resident dietitian creates a menu that recalls that special time when the family said a prayer and enjoyed a home cooked meal lovingly prepared by mom. Well, its just like that at this institute. You should see our residents “chow down’ at the three AM dinner time and then lick their plates after enjoying a scrumptious meal in under one minute.

We use decorator plates (Rape Of The Sabine Pattern) made from metal for easy cleaning and to prevent the consumption of the plate itself. Concerning the number of your surgeries, I do not think 32 is an unreasonable tally for a young gal of 19. I also agree that your friends are just jealous and fear that you will get all the attention of their loser boyfriends. Just ignore them and remember they will be condemned to be the ugly toads they are and will forever remain without cosmetic surgeries. Don’t worry about them, Fiorinala, you obviously are fated to be a future breeder in evolution’s unstoppable march to glorious human perfection. I can tell from your portrait that soon you will be prettier than Brittany Spears. A few more surgeries to improve what might possibly be your nose and you will look even better than Mily Cyrus, the institute‘s pin-up girl. You go, girl!

I would like to caution you about one thing and that is promiscuous sex. Be sure to select a mate that treats his body as a holy temple of God and does not lust for your luscious body unless he is in a pro-creative mood. Fiorinala; I have a surprise for you. An all expense paid stay at the institute just in time to celebrate our favorite holiday; Halloween! I am so proud of our residents as they march down the catwalk sashaying, prancing and yes, even bogeying to grateful applause! Consider entering the Vogue, my favorite, that shows their faces to their best advantage. Believe me, you have seen nothing like this on TV. Please feel free to bring a few costumes. A mask is not necessary. See you soon!

Yours in the practice of proper mental hygiene, I remains, Dr Oral Pavlov, The Director

******** SPECIAL OFFER FROM NNN ******** INTRODUCING DR PAVLOV’S EVOLUTIONARY COSMETICS

Now you can beautify your face and get that “wonder glow” just like the ones Hollywood starlets and the residents of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane have with these fine genuine simulated holistic beauty enhancers. Thanks to a generous contribution from Monsanto Industrial Solvents Research, Inc, we proudly introduce Dr Pavlov’s Beauty Accelerants. These cosmetics use organic substances compounded in the institute’s ultra-modern laboratory (no animal testing) and are now available to the readers of NNN. SELECT FROM; Swiss Hadron Hydrator Cleansing Cream: Made from organic hadrons just like the ones the famous Hadron Collider uses! Lydia Pinkham’s Mystery Excreta: This dual purpose wonder cosmetic can be used as a personal lubricant or as a night-time beauty cream. Or both right after a sumptuous bout of cosmetic surgery. Dr Pavlov’s Facial Refresher. A superb vesicant just like the ones our residents use after their facial beauty surgeries. Made from natural and organic methlyaminotriptachloratehydochloroformaldydiacytylmorphonasbestosuccianate in a delightfully scented gel (Within A Budding Grove Scent).

BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS *******BONUS!!!!!*******BONUS!!!!*******

If you act now you will receive, at no extra charge the following; Dr Teddy Morell’s Life Rejuvenator. This ancient formula, once used by a famous leader of an European country is made from imported hydrogenated and pasteurized puree of a bull’s organ in a delightful fruit flavored (no artificial flavors) beverage. YOU MUST HURRY! SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED!!! So order now. Before its too late. Operators are standing by.

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