It was announced today that a new weapon has joined the nation’s arsenal on our war on depression. The introduction of the Pavascope will now enable the family physician to discover the seeds of depression before they sprout by peering into the brains of newborns and toddlers. “This product of medical  technology  will alter the landscape of our nation’s battle against depression that pervades the fabric of our society and will cast it into the dustbin of history along with polio, small pox and erectile dysfunction” declared a jubilant Dr Oral Pavlov, the director of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane. The Pavascope is the product of months of dedicated work at the institute’s research lab led by longtime resident Dr Wolfgang Hammer, formerly the head of the Phrenology Dept at Bob Jones University. The ingeniously designed Pavascope is comprised of two parts connected with a fiber optic cord. A patented polarizing  lens sensor is inserted into the patient’s ear and a reading is transferred via the cord into the readout unit where information is displayed on a three inch 980,000 pixel monitor. The result, which can be translated into 98 languages, gives a clear command to the physician eliminating the chance of error. If the machine detects  depression  BAD appears on the screen. If the word  GOOD appears it means that no depression is present. The examination is completed in just 10 seconds. If the answer is BAD a prescription selected from 98 different compounds is prescribed and the parent and child is sent on their way to their local pharmacy and on the road to recovery. If the answer is GOOD the patient will be monitored every three months for any change. Dr Pavlov also stated,  “Soon the Pavascope will take its place in the family medicine cabinet next to the rectal thermometer“. Our proud nation has awaited that great day when depression is a thing of the past. Thanks to medical marvels, the future is today!

Discovery, like all those processes of perceiving and enquiring that figure so centrally in academic writing, is generally attributed only to intelligent, sentient minds


  1. After 19 consecutive GOOD readings my daughter(age 7) received a BAD. My question is this: could this reading indicate a conduct disorder? Over the past several months most of our family pets have either died or gone missing. Both my husband and I work and little Betty isn’t qualified for school yet and we have always felt comfortable leaving her at home to care for the pets and her little brother. Would the same pills work if she is conducted disordered? She is not overweight. Could the wrong music do this? We may need help for our family unless one of us becomes unemployed. Thank you for your guidance.

    First, let me congratulate you for your superior parenting selecting a competent family doctor who diligently tests for depression which is the scourge of childhood, . Its mothers like you who will win our nation’s war on depression. I also commend you for raising your children to be independent, resourceful and confident adults and not sniveling little liberal brats who can’t blow there nose without supervision. I would not worry about the missing pets as animals sometimes get confused and just wander off to their wild state. Perhaps these pets were not suitable for your family. Pit Bulls and Rotweilers make excellent family pets especially for home alone children.There are many used dogs of this breed on the market that were former guard dogs that have the training to discern if a child is just playing or can attack an intruder and keep the kids safe.I am sure your seven year old won’t forget to feed it. In regards to music, yes it plays a prominent role in the development of the fetal brain. While your daughter was growing in the sacred womb did you listen to any music performed by colored musicians such as jazz or blues? In my book, ” the Pr-cerebral Conundrum” I have proved that this music manifests itself between the ages of 5 to 7 years as infantile depression stage 2. This information will help your doctor select the correct antidepressant for your daughter. Ms Holliday, I wish you the very best in your practice of proper mental hygiene, I remains, Dr Pavlov, the Director

Leave a Reply