MOTHER’S DAY GUNSHOT TOLL REACHES 12

Mother’s Day  took on a tragic note for the 12 families whose celebration was marred by fatal gunshot wounds. The latest victim, Mrs. Agnes Patterson, 69, of Lima, Ohio passed away this Tuesday morning from a gunshot wound to the head when her grandson, Timmy, about to present his Mother’s Day gift, a Talon Avenger, tripped causing the accidental discharge of the weapon delivering a 45 caliber fatal wound to Mrs Peterson that entered her cerebral cortex then exited and struck and destroyed a Bavarian Cuckoo Clock, a family heirloom. Her son, Detmar Patterson stated, “This really put a damper on mom’s special day. I don’t care about that stupid clock but I paid $698 for that Avenger and now the police won’t give it back.”
All was not bad news on this Mother’s Day, however. Charles Starkweather, Jr, president of the Lima branch of the National Rifle Association announced at a news conference that due to responsible gun ownership 3,200 potentially fatal incidents were averted on Mother’s Day by alert gun owners. “That gives us a net total for the day of over 3,000 lives saved by responsible gun ownership ” a smiling Starkweather told the rambunctious crowd.
In related news Angus Rottweiler, president of the National Floral Association commenting on these same deaths apologized for remarks he made on the NNN Lights Out morning show when he said  Mother’s Day and funerals are the biggest events for flower sales  so we  really had a hum dinger of a day. “What I meant to say”,  declared  Mr. Rottweiler, “is my heart really goes out to these 12 families and next year we will be offering a special combination Mother’s Day and funeral  coupon good for a 10% discount for mom’s killed on her special day.” Mr Rottweiler added that this coupon cannot be combined with any other offer.

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