YOUR SOURCE FOR TEMPORAL AND SPIRITUAL ABUNDANCE
Our question for today was sent in by Princess Tremble, a fifth grade student at the Sacred Waters Baptist School. Princess, who was recently voted the most bullied girl in school, asks this question; “Can liberals go to heaven?“ Our religious affairs editor, The Very Right Reverend Helmut Krakoefen, who is the past pastor of the First Third Utilitarian Church and who now acts as an adviser to the Argentine Security Bureau while also providing spiritual counseling to death row inmates, answers this important question.
Princess, this is a very stupid question but I will answer it anyway. No, all liberals are going to hell. The record on this would be very clear if you would read your bible which you obviously have not. Give some thought to putting away childish things such as your IPad or the fires of hell will be lapping at your obscenely painted toenails. Start improving your self image and scrub your face of makeup and other sinful beauty nonsense. It won’t do you any good and start practicing Christian charity and respect for others or you will spend eternity condemned to listening to speeches from Stalin, Hitler, Kennedy and all the other Jews from the Church Of Rome.