Thanks to our friends in the NRA all law abiding American citizens of any age now have the right to protect themselves with a concealed weapon. Thanks to this courageous and far-sighted law our teens will be able to protect themselves and defend others from deranged teachers, adults, their own school chums, aunts and uncles and in particular their grandparents who are prone to unexpected violence after many years of untreated depression. Never have our teens felt more protected from the increase in violent school confrontations. We have asked Dr Oral Pavlov, who is our Health and Fashion affairs editor and the esteemed director of the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane to comment on this life affirming event.
Dr Pavlov: I applaud the efforts of the Congressional Committee For More Guns in getting the NRA bill to pass in spite of the obstructionist and un-American politics of the liberal, socialist members of congress who want to impose gun control and more fluoridation of our drinking water.
An important question is how this freedom for our teens to carry a lethal weapon impacts their proper practice of mental hygiene and their acceptance among their peers which is reflected in their hair style and clothing. Fashion conscious teens now have a need to not only set the style trends, but to wear clothing that is effective in concealing their weapons and yet be comfortable for every day wear such as sports and the all- important hook-up scene. I am proud to announce that the Institute’s fabric research and design bureau will soon introduce Oral de la Pavlov Couture*to the market place this fall, just in time for the school year and a new round of school shootings. Now your teen can not only be smartly dressed but protected due to the miracle of Pavalon a blend of carbon fiber and nylon that is guaranteed to repel gunshot wounds or your money will be cheerfully refunded (minus shipping and handling).
I want to take this time and state that arming our children under the age of twelve is not recommended. Research at the Institute has found that their hands are too small to shoot accurately. However, we have partnered with Sig Sauer, Colt and other caring weapon manufactures to develop small weapons to solve this problem and the addition of Disney characters such as Cinderella and Minne mouse will add a touch of fantasy that is conducive to the youngster’s practice of proper mental hygiene and sense of security.