To my fellow colleagues, the true champions of the war on depression and fearless promoters of proper mental hygiene, and to my most esteemed friend and director of this prestigious institution for these past forty years, Dr Iosif Winovich, whose passion and love for the criminally insane challenged set the high standards of care that exist today, I thank you for this great honor and opportunity to share with you, dear comrades, my latest research. But first, kindly allow me to tell a story. It was 10 years ago that I received a letter from General Flash Patton, grandson of the famous general who fought with your brave soldiers to defeat the Germans, who I still deeply mistrust, and is now the commander of the USAF Ballistic Missile Launch Control Center located in Omaha, Nebraska. In this letter he made such a sincere plea for help that even today it brings a tear to my eye. The general stated that his depression was so severe that he was on the verge of committing some unspecified act of mayhem. He also stated he was taking medication but it did not seem to be effective and also made him feel strange and disconnected from reality especially at work with all the blinking lights and extraneous rays.In addition, he reported a peculiar fascination with tall women whose figures can be described as thin and non-curvaceous with heads that seem to taper at the top. Comrades, I know how important our brave and courageous soldiers are to the security of our respective nations,so I was compelled to use my forty years of expertise to solve his and the 2% of subjects that fail to respond to a number of compounds. After my intense study and the eager cooperation of our resident volunteers this is what I have discovered: In rare cases where an antidepressant is found ineffective, I have developed a new protocol to solve this problem. The Pavlonian Subtractive Method, which was first presented before more than 1198 family physicians attending the AstraZeneca symposium at their central research center located on the French Riviera, is predicted to be used by every doctor who treats their patients with this dreaded disease.One of the advantages of my method is its simplicity enabling even the most poorly trained physicians (instructions available in 112 languages) in diagnosing and treating depression to use it in their daily regimen with the utmost degree of confidence.
The two gold standards of antidepressants are Seroquel produced by AstraZeneca and Repressa manufactured by the Stalingrad Pharmaceutical And Tank Works. Both are effective in 98% of cases. In the remaining 2% of cases where relief is not attained there are four others on the market: Celexa, Lexapro, Cymbalta, Remeron, and Effexor. The treatment consists of taking six doses consisting of Seroquel, Repressa and the other four mentioned, (one of each pill) for two weeks and then subtract one of the medications for two weeks until the depression returns. You will then know that the last medication not taken will be the effective one. My treatment protocol negates the need for the trial and error method which is too time consuming especially for people who are ready to blow their brains out. Put another way; to discover which of the six is working, simply reduce the six pill intake every two weeks by one pill and if their symptoms return then you know the last pill you eliminated is the correct medication.
In conclusion, I envision a new world order under the benevolent jurisdiction of our two countries and with the dedicated guidance of the pharmaceutical industry, 98% of the world’s population who needlessly suffer from depression will have access, at a fair price, to the most effective antidepressants. This will insure a tranquil, crime-free world of peace and harmony. Again, I give you my most warm thanks and appreciation for addressing you, the world’s foremost authorities in this crucial matter, and for the fine hospitality shown to me by the staff and residents of the Lubyanka Institute For The Rehabilitation Of The Criminally Insane Challenged.