Dr Oral Pavlov, the esteemed director of the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane Challenged, has returned from his triumphant visit to Moscow where he was the keynote speaker at the Conclave Of Russo-Pavologists held at the Lubyanka Institute For the Rehabilitation Of The Criminally Insane Challenged where he spoke before an audience attended by 1298 of the foremost experts on depression which is considered the world’s most pressing problem and impediment to peace. Following his address he received a standing ovation that lasted for over ten minutes and was feted at a dinner celebration where he was presented with the coveted “Hero Of The Russian Federation” medal, a signed portrait of Vladimir Putin,, suitable for framing, and another gold medal, “The Peoples’ Protector Of The Criminally Insane Challenged” which had previously been awarded to only one other recipient, LavrentI Beria. But the highlight of the festivities was yet to come. Dr Pavlov explains: “At the conclusion of this lavish dinner that featured a stunning performance by the Bolshoi Ballet and an invitation for a private visit with one of its stars later in the evening, plus the honor of being bestowed these treasured medals, I thought my heart was filled to its capacity of joy. Then the greatest moment of the entire event occurred. The director of the institute and my friend for over forty years, Dr Iosif Winovich, presented me with a most astonishing gift, the value of which is incalculable and was prominently enshrined at the Hermitage Museum. As I unwrapped this present I burst into tears as I saw I was now holding the same flask that had once belonged to Yuri Andropov who was the head of the KGB in 1964 and then became the General Secretary of the Communist Party in 1982 until his untimely death fifteen months later due to a then untreatable form of virulent depression. It was the death of this great man that the increasing danger of depression to world peace became apparent and the necessity to defeat it.Yurii Andropov was the first martyr in the war on depression and the debt we owe him can only repaid until we achieve total victory. As I held this sacred flask, constructed from the same titanium and beryllium alloy used in thermonuclear weapons and decorated with the official seal of the KGB, I was overcome with such a feeling of transcendence that I realized with the mutual cooperation of our dedicated pharmaceutical companies we will achieve victory in this conflict just as we defeated the Germans in the Great Patriotic War”.
Dr Pavlov assured us that he would not rest on these hallowed laurels and would continue his efforts to defeat depression that he now confidently realizes is just over the horizon.
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According to very reliable sources at the NNN Moscow Bureau, the mysterious week-long absence of President Putin may be attributed to a secret meeting with Dr Pavlov. Although what was discussed has not been revealed, we assume that it was a strategy meeting on the war on depression or, as it is called in Russia, “The Great Patriotic War:The Sequel”, and the promotion of proper mental hygiene that are the major goals of President Putin to form a better and more prosperous Russian society. Stay tuned to NNN for the latest breaking news.