“Ask The Scientist” is proudly sponsored by Northrop Grumman and features our Military and Fashion Affairs editor, Professor Herman Kahn, Jr. Author, lecturer, adviser to NATO and heads of state and a swell humanitarian, Professor Kahn serves on the board of 20 defense concerns and is currently the director of the prestigious think tank, the Wm Burroughs Center for Non-Aligned Thought.
Today’s question was submitted by Ethel Fuchs, a third grader at the Ronald Reagan Science And Astrology Academy. Ethel, who suffers from a case of severe premature acne and is unfairly shunned by her classmates who have named her “Pustule Peggy”, asks; “ Mr Scientist; My father, Julius Fuchs, works at the Sandia National Laboratory and is worried that we will have a big war because the Russians are making more bombs than us. If there is a war, i am afraid my pet goldfish, Gadget, will be boiled in his bowl.. Please help! Thanks, Ehel PS: I want to be a nuclear engineer when I grow up.
Professor Kahn Responds: Dear Ethel: In my father’s book,, “Winning the Unthinkable”, which I am sure is in your school library, he proved that our country would defeat any enemy that would dare attack us with nuclear devices. This was true in 1962 when the book was written and it is true today. Our freedom is protected by a doctrine called Mutual Assured Destruction which means that if there is a war, the whole world will be incinerated just like that hot dog your dad sometimes drops in the grill. This should be a comfort to you. Most important, our heroes in the defense industry, who are given unlimited funds thanks to our compassionate leaders, are dedicated to not only building more and better bombs due to superior American technology, but more accurate bombs that will fall on the right places. I guarantee you, if the Russians think they can destroy the world before we do, they have another thought coming! Ethel, just ignore the impending nuclear Armageddon like everyone else and put your faith in our trusted elected officials and people like me. You have my assurances that your goldfish, Gadget, will take its last swim in the toilet before you get roasted like an over-done pork chop. Study hard, Ethel, our country needs more nuclear engineers. As for your looks, keep in mind many famous nuclear scientists looked as hideous as you. Just ignore your classmates and also the adults who are hopefully too polite to comment on your appearance. I also suggest you report your father to the authorities. He is obviously a spy. Good Luck!