Today’s topic is “persistent genital arousal disorder” . This question concerning a little known but not uncommon disease was asked by Renee Schidt of Waterloo, Iowa who asked that her name not be used.
“ I feel like I am having orgasms all the time,” she stated . “No matter how many orgasms you have had it would be debilitating to have them almost continually, at work, at home, even at church”. Renee is not alone according to medical experts who estimate sufferers number in the thousands.
There has been false information in the popular press and web sites appealing to some people’s prurient interests so we will turn to our crack medical correspondent, Dr Oral Pavlov who is the Director for the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane for an accurate and honest view on this vital topic.
First, we must consider this a legitimate medical condition that deserves our attention and compassion as healers and dedicate our lives to finding a cure. Before I address the pervert in question, let me give you some background information on the research that I have done with female recipients in over forty years as director at this prestigious institute. Actually, my interest in this condition began in my senior year in high school when my father, who was a prominent physician and whose book “The Ant And Its Implication In Appendicitis” formed the basis for sociobiology and my mother, who was a former researcher (and suspected paramour) of Dr Richard von Kraft -Ebbing, the noted author of “Psychopathia Sexualis” hosted a dinner party for the good doctor that included his niece, Geli Raubal, who was visiting from Germany. The lively conversation was interrupted by the strange behavior of Geli who would in precisely fifteen minute intervals gaze into space and in a high pitched moan cry out, “faster pussycat” and begin to intensely vibrate causing the Bavarian crystal (the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern pattern) on the table to ring a tune suspiciously resembling the Horst Wesel Song. Dr von Kraft-Ebbing would ignore this amazing occurrence and continue his discussion on the mating habits of artic mice and how they relate to the courting rituals of the natives. Not wanting to embarrass their guests, my parents would also ignore Geli and attempt to include her in the conversation with a passable German. I was captivated by Geli and her ’spells’ only added to the allure of this admittedly hormone infused young man.
After dinner we took a walk in my parents’ garden which was alive with bees and flowers whose pollen mixed with Geli’s perfume and pheromones creating a euphoric cloud of golden raindrops enveloping us in a cataclysmic rhapsody punctuated with the toots of a Hungarian Cuckoo bird. It was at this moment, this sacred revelation of my destiny, that I choose to devote my life to discovering a cure for this evil curse that had incubated in this gloriously beautiful maiden. I also was wondering why my member mystically transformed into a state of tumescence but that’s a topic for another column. These memories have not faded and were a driving force in my discovery for this condition. After years of intense experimentation utilizing the willing services of female volunteers who had this abominable curse (over 98% of females who are criminally insane exhibit this condition although it is not apparent until revealed by years of treatments which are personally supervised by me with the assistance of a select few residents) I was finally able to put my finger on the problem.
As in many great scientific discoveries I experienced a “Eureka ! moment ” while mixing some vesicant salve with a Wharing blender (white in colour) when the aroma of hyacinths permeated the room and a bee landed on the Wharing blender’s speed control. I had just finished reading a paper, Nerve endings in the pudenda and their harmonic oscillations in a closed circuit Modafanil medium written by a colleague, Dr Hannah Kopfkraken of the Argentine State Security Institute, when my theory , Brain Colour Changes Vibrations Causation coalesced into what is the foundation of neuroscience . I will not delve into what is now accepted medical science concerning this subject or how the colour of a woman’s undergarments play a prominent role in this condition but suffice to say anyone would believe it if they had the intelligence to understand it.
I will now address Renee in a personal plea to assist her recovery and get her off the streets.
Dear Renee: I received your plea for help and now I am here at your side to guide you thru your hopeless journey thru hell. First, lets address your thoughts of suicide. I understand why you have this feeling of wanting to end it all; it’s a practical solution to any problem. Having all those people stare at you as you reach an orgasm suitable for a crack -head in a monkey cage would make even an insane person feel self -conscious. And don’t think people don’t notice! Maybe you realize that people have this series of reactions: First, they are horrified and fear for their children’s safety. That’s why, Renee, the police are watching you; second, is acceptance. They realize that evil exists in unspeakable places and the area between your legs is the center of unimaginable filth. Of course you feel dirty. You should. That’s normal. Then comes coping measures. Gossip leads the way. Your neighbor and relatives know. So do your co-workers who, I am sure, have secretly video-taped your bouts of frenzied self-gratification. In fact, that may be you on U Tube. Then there is humor. People use this to relieve the unbearable tension that your presence creates. Personally I have collected over 98 jokes about your condition and they are the hit of any cocktail party. No wonder things seem so hopeless for you and why you feel lower than any trailer trash lowlife and worse than any deranged dope fiend. This is understandable.
The good news, Renee, is that you are not alone. Over 98% of people with your condition blow their brains out so you have plenty of company and I hope that is a comfort to you. You may find this interesting: The other 2% gain meaningful employment as side-show freaks in various traveling circuses. You are expected to perform but that doesn’t seem to be a problem. Something to consider, Renee, especially in these times of high unemployment. It should be a relief to know that meaningful employment is an option when the chances of being shit-canned from your loser job are inevitable. I bet you feel better already!
I have made arrangements for you to be a guest at the institute where you will find comfort and solace among your new friends. I assure you they will be quite interested and soon you will feel a part of the family who understands these matters. Perhaps you would be interested in performing for the institute’s annual musical that we all look forward in celebrating. Its the hope of every criminally insane person to appear on American Idol and their dreams are realized once every year. I am sure you would not have a problem filling the role of “Madame Butterfly”. Well, Renee, I hope you feel better knowing someone finally cares about you. I know the Institute will be a life-changing experience for you and I await your arrival.
Yours in proper mental hygiene,
Dr Oral Pavlov, Director
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