Dr Oral Pavlov, the esteemed director of the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane Challenged, has returned from his triumphant visit to Moscow where he was the keynote speaker at the Conclave Of Russo-Pavologists held at the Lubyanka Institute For the Rehabilitation Of The Criminally Insane Challenged where he spoke before an audience attended by 1298 of the foremost experts on depression which is considered the world’s most pressing problem and impediment to peace. Following his address he received a standing ovation that lasted for over ten minutes and was feted at a dinner celebration where he was presented with the coveted “Hero Of The Russian Federation” medal, a signed portrait of Vladimir Putin,, suitable for framing, and another gold medal, “The Peoples’ Protector Of The Criminally Insane Challenged” which had previously been awarded to only one other recipient, LavrentI Beria. But the highlight of the festivities was yet to come. Dr Pavlov explains: “At the conclusion of this lavish dinner that featured a stunning performance by the Bolshoi Ballet and an invitation for a private visit with one of its stars later in the evening, plus the honor of being bestowed these treasured medals, I thought my heart was filled to its capacity of joy. Then the greatest moment of the entire event occurred. The director of the institute and my friend for over forty years, Dr Iosif Winovich, presented me with a most astonishing gift, the value of which is incalculable and was prominently enshrined at the Hermitage Museum. As I unwrapped this present I burst into tears as I saw I was now holding the same flask that had once belonged to Yuri Andropov who was the head of the KGB in 1964 and then became the General Secretary of the Communist Party in 1982 until his untimely death fifteen months later due to a then untreatable form of virulent depression. It was the death of this great man that the increasing danger of depression to world peace became apparent and the necessity to defeat it.Yurii Andropov was the first martyr in the war on depression and the debt we owe him can only repaid until we achieve total victory. As I held this sacred flask, constructed from the same titanium and beryllium alloy used in thermonuclear weapons and decorated with the official seal of the KGB, I was overcome with such a feeling of transcendence that I realized with the mutual cooperation of our dedicated pharmaceutical companies we will achieve victory in this conflict just as we defeated the Germans in the Great Patriotic War”.
Dr Pavlov assured us that he would not rest on these hallowed laurels and would continue his efforts to defeat depression that he now confidently realizes is just over the horizon.
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According to very reliable sources at the NNN Moscow Bureau, the mysterious week-long absence of President Putin may be attributed to a secret meeting with Dr Pavlov. Although what was discussed has not been revealed, we assume that it was a strategy meeting on the war on depression or, as it is called in Russia, “The Great Patriotic War:The Sequel”, and the promotion of proper mental hygiene that are the major goals of President Putin to form a better and more prosperous Russian society. Stay tuned to NNN for the latest breaking news.
To my fellow colleagues, the true champions of the war on depression and fearless promoters of proper mental hygiene, and to my most esteemed friend and director of this prestigious institution for these past forty years, Dr Iosif Winovich, whose passion and love for the criminally insane challenged set the high standards of care that exist today, I thank you for this great honor and opportunity to share with you, dear comrades, my latest research. But first, kindly allow me to tell a story. It was 10 years ago that I received a letter from General Flash Patton, grandson of the famous general who fought with your brave soldiers to defeat the Germans, who I still deeply mistrust, and is now the commander of the USAF Ballistic Missile Launch Control Center located in Omaha, Nebraska. In this letter he made such a sincere plea for help that even today it brings a tear to my eye. The general stated that his depression was so severe that he was on the verge of committing some unspecified act of mayhem. He also stated he was taking medication but it did not seem to be effective and also made him feel strange and disconnected from reality especially at work with all the blinking lights and extraneous rays.In addition, he reported a peculiar fascination with tall women whose figures can be described as thin and non-curvaceous with heads that seem to taper at the top. Comrades, I know how important our brave and courageous soldiers are to the security of our respective nations,so I was compelled to use my forty years of expertise to solve his and the 2% of subjects that fail to respond to a number of compounds. After my intense study and the eager cooperation of our resident volunteers this is what I have discovered: In rare cases where an antidepressant is found ineffective, I have developed a new protocol to solve this problem. The Pavlonian Subtractive Method, which was first presented before more than 1198 family physicians attending the AstraZeneca symposium at their central research center located on the French Riviera, is predicted to be used by every doctor who treats their patients with this dreaded disease.One of the advantages of my method is its simplicity enabling even the most poorly trained physicians (instructions available in 112 languages) in diagnosing and treating depression to use it in their daily regimen with the utmost degree of confidence.
The two gold standards of antidepressants are Seroquel produced by AstraZeneca and Repressa manufactured by the Stalingrad Pharmaceutical And Tank Works. Both are effective in 98% of cases. In the remaining 2% of cases where relief is not attained there are four others on the market: Celexa, Lexapro, Cymbalta, Remeron, and Effexor. The treatment consists of taking six doses consisting of Seroquel, Repressa and the other four mentioned, (one of each pill) for two weeks and then subtract one of the medications for two weeks until the depression returns. You will then know that the last medication not taken will be the effective one. My treatment protocol negates the need for the trial and error method which is too time consuming especially for people who are ready to blow their brains out. Put another way; to discover which of the six is working, simply reduce the six pill intake every two weeks by one pill and if their symptoms return then you know the last pill you eliminated is the correct medication.
In conclusion, I envision a new world order under the benevolent jurisdiction of our two countries and with the dedicated guidance of the pharmaceutical industry, 98% of the world’s population who needlessly suffer from depression will have access, at a fair price, to the most effective antidepressants. This will insure a tranquil, crime-free world of peace and harmony. Again, I give you my most warm thanks and appreciation for addressing you, the world’s foremost authorities in this crucial matter, and for the fine hospitality shown to me by the staff and residents of the Lubyanka Institute For The Rehabilitation Of The Criminally Insane Challenged.
“Have a very merry Christmas! And for those of you who are not Christian, you are going to hell” The Very Right Reverend Helmut Kraekofen
For most people the holidays are a joyous time of love,the satisfaction of giving,seeing old friends and most of all, a family celebration that forms a lifetime of treasured memories. Sadly, for others it can be a time of great stress, anxiety and depression .Mr. Miguel Mucilago, the USPS Inspector General, is aware of this problem and has remarked, “The holiday season is stressful for our understaffed employees as they deal with the tremendous volume of mail that must meet impossible deadlines. This results in some of our supervisors some who are certified psychopaths or other employees who are “fed-up” with the situation to reach a breaking point and blow their brains out or commit unspeakable acts of mayhem. I have enlisted the help of Dr Oral Pavlov, the nation’s leader in the war on depression, for his assistance.and guidance to help our employees deal with the holiday rush. For his tireless devotion on the war on depression we have honored Dr Oral Pavlov, with a commemorative stamp to offer hope, understanding and the knowledge that there are many antidepressants that can turn was once a season of dread into the joyous times that others share”. Dr Pavlov explains; “At the Institute during this joyous season depression will not be tolerated and our residents enjoy the various festivities culminating in the lighting of the Christmas tree decorated with ornaments crafted from pharmaceutical containers, catheters and other discarded items.My favorite is when our chorus, “The Unseen Voices” does a beautiful pantomime of “Silent Night”. We cordially invite you to celebrate the season with us and for every stamp sold the USPS has agreed to generously donate five cents to our nation’s leading pharmaceutical concerns to find a cure for this Holiday disease.”. Wishing you a happy Holiday and a reduction in postal violence and death by gunshot. Dr Oral Pavlov, The Director