CLAYTON SCHOOL BOARD ANNOUNCES NEW GUN TRAINING PROGRAM

ScanFor the last 12 semesters the Clayton Public schools have offered gun training and safety classes for ages 5 to 12. The response has been overwhelming as 80% of 6 to 10 year old students know now to handle their weapons in a responsible manner. Due to popular demand from our parents and with the generous contribution of Taurus Arms, it it now possible for the students to graduate to a new program which will emphasize large caliber machine guns, and other heavy weapons. Even greater news is that the US Army surplus has donated 3 refurbished Abrams M1 heavy tanks that will be offered at no charge to high school students. Imagine the proud look of our parents when these tanks lead the next homecoming parade!  Principal Angus Rotwelier had these comments at a press conference this afternoon “This training program is more  than just shooting heavy weapons. Military style drills, uniforms designed by The GAP,the latest in night vision goggles, communication devices and techniques such as fire and movement will form new friendships as these young cadets work together to deter any threat to our citizens.. Most importantly our youth will be taught to follow orders. Obedience is our number one goal. Asked by a liberal reporter if this is a reaction to the thugs and lawbreakers from neighboring cities like Ferguson who have threatened to burn the town to the ground, school board president John Tate emphatically replied, “No”. When you clear the checkpoints and visit Clayton you will see many minorities working at the Wal Mart, McDonalds and many other places of employment. The only requirement is that they have no criminal record, and pass the weekly drug test which is all recorded on a special card they carry.in case they get lost while leaving he city after curfew. Diversity is highly valued in the city as witnessed by the three families from Mexico who have a thriving lawn cutting service.” Wishing you a Happy Holiday and that people stay where they are”

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NEUTRONIC AFFIRMATION

“some people insist on carrying their own personal torture machine”  Rev. Robert Sims, Pastor, Bethesda Missionary Baptist Church

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MEET OUR EDITORIAL STAFF

_DSC0140-001The editor of our health and fashion features, Dr Oral Pavlov, is the esteemed director of the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For the Criminally Insane and a leader in our nation’s sacred war on depression. A tireless promoter of proper mental hygiene, he is a Julliard trained phrenologist and the author of 24 books. He has recently written  “Craniometry For Dummies” which is predicted to revolutionize the treatment of the criminally insane challenged. He is on the board of directors for AstraZeneca and is the spiritual adviser for the Guantanamo Penal Colony.

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INTRODUCING ORAL DE LA PAVLOV COUTURE FOR TEENS

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Is Concealed Carry Right For Your Teen?

Thanks to our friends in the NRA all law abiding American citizens of any age now have the right to protect themselves with a concealed weapon. Thanks to this courageous and far-sighted law our teens will be able to protect themselves and defend others from deranged teachers, adults, their own school chums, aunts and uncles and in particular their grandparents who are prone to unexpected violence after many years of untreated depression. Never have our teens felt more protected from the increase in violent school confrontations. We have asked Dr Oral Pavlov, who is our Health and Fashion affairs editor and the esteemed director of the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane to comment on this life affirming event.
Dr Pavlov: I applaud the efforts of the Congressional Committee For More Guns in getting the NRA bill to pass in spite of the obstructionist and un-American politics of the liberal, socialist members of congress  who want to impose gun control and more fluoridation of our drinking water.
An important question is how this freedom for our teens to carry a lethal weapon impacts their proper practice of mental hygiene and their acceptance among their peers which is reflected in their hair style and clothing. Fashion conscious teens now have a need to not only set the style trends, but to wear clothing that is effective in concealing their weapons and yet be comfortable for every day wear such as sports and the all- important  hook-up scene. I am proud to announce that the Institute’s fabric research and design bureau will soon introduce Oral de la Pavlov Couture*to the market place this fall, just in time for the school year and a new round of school shootings. Now your teen can not only be smartly dressed but protected due to the miracle of Pavalon a blend of carbon fiber and nylon that is guaranteed to repel gunshot wounds or your money will be cheerfully refunded (minus shipping and handling).
I want to take this time and state that arming our children under the age of twelve is not recommended. Research at the Institute has found that their hands are too small to shoot accurately. However, we have partnered with Sig Sauer, Colt and other caring weapon manufactures to develop small weapons to solve this problem and the addition of  Disney characters such as Cinderella and Minne mouse will add a touch of fantasy that is conducive to the youngster’s practice of proper mental hygiene and sense of security.

 

 

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