A devastating new disease killing our nation’s pets has been discovered by researchers at the prestigious Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane. The disease, named Neural Pavacholia by the institute’s director, Dr Oral Pavlov, affects pets with a debilitating and often fatal depression.
The American Psychiatric Association “Our Business Is Your Brain’ has announced changes in the DSM which is a book used to classify 980 mental disorders to insure that the psychiatrists know how to prescribe the correct drugs, unguents, suppositories and vesicants to treat these maladies. It also insures that the members do not embarrass themselves at their frequent cocktail parties by using outdated terms like neurosis, retard, wacko and bedlam. The encouraging and most important change is now animals are finally acknowledged to be inflicted with these conditions and are able to be treated with the same drugs for mental instability as their human counterparts. The growing pet insurance industry, bolstered by the inclusion of animals in Medicaid and Medicare that is required by the US Constitution, has been an avid supporter and its caring and concern was instrumental in making these changes. There is one possible omission, however and that is Neural Pavacholia Syndrome which is a newly discovered illness afflicting animals and people of Caucasian abstraction.
The Neutronic News Network asks if this condition belongs in this learned compendium of mental misery. To answer this vital question for pet owners we turn to our editor of health and fashion affairs, Dr Oral Pavlov, the esteemed director of the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane.
Hello and quit staring at me. First, some background information. I can categorically state that I and the entire community at the Betty Ford Institute For The Criminally Insane believe that animals play a life affirming role in the therapeutic regimen that is the hallmark of the nation’s leader in providing hope and confinement for the lives of the criminally insane challenged. Our carefree inhabitants immerse themselves in nature’s birth and death cycle utilizing their pets, real and imaginary, that they have acquired during the course of their treatment. To attain this goal of self discovery which is vital to the criminally insane challenged, we have our own pet crematorium that is run without supervision by our honor clients who have 20 years or more of treatment and who can function on a daily dose of 4,000 mg of Thorazine. It is a touching sight to see a hundred or more of our residents that include Napoleon and Jesus Christ shuffling along in a solemn ceremony to incinerate their pets. Music is another treatment therapy and our house band, “The Unseen Choir” really shines when they accompany the quacks, oinks, tweets and other incantations that the dying pets make accompanying their owners on their holy procession to their awaiting doom . It is literally breathtaking when the light of hundreds of candles, the reflections of cranial electrodes and the flames of the crematorium illuminate their angelic faces. The pets also look good. This coming together creates a community that could be a model for a common sense solution for today’s society which has become a perverse cesspool of deviants who don‘t care for their pets or the practice of proper mental hygiene.
I was encouraged that the DSM that describes the conditions, syndromes, disorders and curses now apply to all animals and in particular to pets. I fear, however, there is a grievous omission; Neural Pavacholia Syndrome, a diagnosis which resulted from my 40 years of research at this very institution that traced this malady to the vertical displacement of the modafinil re-uptake inhibitor of the fourth humor staining the brain in esthetically displeasing colours. I can now say to the editors and compilers of the DSM who so sarcastically dismissed my brainchild as “drivel emitted from a mind suffering from the flushing of too many toilets” that I have news for you doubting Thomases: Astra-Zeneca, the pharmaceutical company that cares, has entered into an agreement with the institute to test various compounds ( over 980) and has endorsed this malady. This won’t be the first time this and other concerned companies have had to show the medical profession what a mental disease is. Just ask 9,898,000 of our school kids (and their friends) how pleased they are to take amphetamine derivatives. I am happy for the institute, its clients and pets. Most of all, I am happy for the animals that sacrifice their lives for the benefit of mankind. Thanks to the courageous residents of the institute who volunteered as test subjects, to our research laboratory with its modern computer and with the help and dedication of the pharmaceutical industry, someday Neural Pavacholia will be eliminated from the lives of our pets.
Incidentally, my plans for the institute include a re-design of our spaceship, a lock for our medicine cabinet, a state-of-the-art digital lobotomizer and a swimming pool for everyone’s enjoyment. Thank you, Astra-Zeneca and thanks to you, the Neutronic News Network for your concern for our nation’s pets and the criminally insane challenged. Wishing you the best in your practice of proper mental hygiene, I remains, Dr Oral Pavlov, the Director.
********** IS YOUR PET DEPRESSED?***********
ORDER YOUR PAVAPET*CARE KIT NOW!
Depression is a serious threat to the health and wellbeing of your pet. Take our handy test to determine if your pet is suffering from depression and get help before it progresses to Neural Pavacholia and your pet dies or someone in your family is attacked.
A: Does your pet stare at you with a disturbed look?
B: Is your cat sleeping too much?
C: Does your dog bark for no reason?
These are just a few of the vital questions that are asked on the PAVAPET* PERSONALITY INVENTORY EXAM that is included in the PavaPet*Care Kit. Developed by renown neural veterinarians, this exam may save your pet from a life of needless depression and an early, painful death.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! Your kit also includes the following;
A COUPON redeemable at any pet care clinic for a free sample of antidepressants from AstraZeneca the nation’s leader on the war on animal and human depression and a
selection of PAVASNAPS* pet snacks made from genuine ocean shark cartilage in a savory sauce. These tasty treats build strong teeth while guarding against depression and ear mites.
PLUS! A CERTIFICATE for a 10% discount at any participating pet crematorium. But you must order now, BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. Email for more information to; AstraZeneca/pavapet.com
* Pavapet and Pavasnaps are trademarks of Pavlov Institutional Pet Care, LLC