REAL PATIENTS OF A MENTAL INSTITUTION

NNN TELE WATCH
REAL PATIENTS OF A MENTAL INSTITUTION
Tonight 9 PM on Fox

The season’s last episode “Suicide Watch” featuring actual mentally ill patients set in a famous institute for the criminally insane airs tonight on Fox in this “thinking man‘s reality show.” During a field trip the residents are enjoying the grounds of the institute illuminated by a full moon and one by one they mysteriously disappear. Was the short circuit in the hydrotherapy unit an accident or a suicide? Did Napoleon slip or was he pushed into the pet crematorium? And how did three residents drown in the empty swimming pool?
The answer to these questions will be revealed plus the introduction of a real cliff hanger for next year’s series. Not suitable for children under three.

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BREAKING NEWS: GOD DOWNGRADES AMERICA AS A CHRISTIAN NATION

“The Burning Pulpit”
Your Source For Spiritual And Temporal Abundance

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In an unexpected development God has downgraded His rating of America as a Christian nation. God’s official spokesman, the Very Right Rev. Helmut Krakoefen who is the former pastor of First Third Utilitarian Church and who now has assumed the role of Grand  Chaplain Eighth Degree for the National Organization Of Moral Certitude, LLC. made the announcement today while attending to his duties as spiritual advisor for the Second Annual Miley Cyrus Look-Alike Contest held in Atlantic City. Noting the severe decline in this Nation‘s moral underpinning the reverend pontificated, “Actually I saw this coming”. The stern faced religious leader known as a strict disciplinarian among his followers also stated “It began after this last presidential election. The numbers of people not working has risen dramatically which is an unmistakable indication that God feels that people are not listening to His message of earthly abundance and are instead just waiting to die. In fact, people have even quit paying their tithes” the distraught preacher added, his eyes filling with tears.

A national day of prayer for God’s forgiveness and a higher rating will be held on August 20.

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NNN CRIME WATCH: HOMELESS MEN ARRESTED

NNN CRIME WATCH HOMELESS MEN ARRESTED

Sunday 9 PM NNN has learned that 12 homeless men have been arrested following a disturbance at the Save Darfur Celebrity Ball. New York City police officer, Reginald Dickey, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was drunk at the time, stated the troublemakers were arrested for obstructing a public sidewalk when a limousine was unable to discharge its two passengers in a timely fashion. One of the passengers, a shaken and distraught Mrs. Oliver Cromwell, 87 from East Hampton explains, “I was terrified to exit my carriage with these shabbily dressed criminals in my presence. My Yorki was petrified.”

The other passenger who described himself as a friend of Ms Cromwell, Angus Pectakowski, a 23 year old body-builder from Brooklyn, came to her defense by putting three of the men in a choke hold until a police swat team arrived. “The sad part of this whole ordeal”, Mr Pectakowski stated, “is in the struggle with these maniacs I broke a bottle of Othello Spaghetti sauce so I was one item short of the six canned food items needed to donate and gain admission. It wrecked my whole evening”. The celebrity ball, the highlight of New York’s social scene , is sponsored by AstraZeneneca and the donations will be used to send much need ant-depressants to Darfur. Unable to post the $100,000 bond the 12 men will remain in custody. Their trial date has been set as sometime next year.

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